Day Eighty Three: I'll have a Bengal Cat

Dear David,

It was a strange day today. I have really low blood pressure and when there is a storm coming, I know all about it. When there is low atmospheric pressure, I feel not of this world. I have sore head, feel like there is pressure being exerted on my body and I get very tired. I had two workshops today, two meetings and they were equally as frustrating.

I had lunch with Jag and waved goodbye to Dear Deirdre when he left for his Easter break. I looked like a dog's dinner today - outfit just really did not come good. Shoes were hurting my feet, trousers were a fraction too short and top and jacket combo looked messy. Looked fat. Very fat. Positively galumphing about like a big elephant with a bit of a limp. Ouch.

I had a think about the 'How not to become SUBO' chart and thought that I should analyse the SUBO zone in more detail. I have looked at the reaction of normal people to wanting to get to know someone and overlaid that on the superfantastical, nutter way I seem to process these situations.

What happens is as follows;


Zone 1: The normal person is 'not bovvered' but, at the same time, I have already started imagining what would happen if we got together, analyse their personality, superimpose characteristics that they are missing. I also try and second guess what they have got wrong with them and work out how we would gel or not gel or what we would fight about or not. When I then focus on what is probably terrible about them, I start to come down from fever pitch and like them a little less. The white arrow denotes where interest is reciprocated. This is where I go into EXTREME SABOTAGE mode. I am either horrible or overly keen or overly sarcastic. I mean we might actually end up getting to know one another and I might have to live in an actual reality and might get actually hurt.

Zone 2: This is where normal person has backed off completely. This is where I get more interested in them - you always want what you can't have!

Zone 3: Once the peak has been reached and the unreality ceiling has been hit, I then finally realise that this person is now very not interested and I slump into really not liking them. The normal person returns to a nice equilibrium.


In normal land or the 'Not Bovvered' zone, there are two potential trajectories. This is how normal people handle these kind of situations.

Scenario 1

Two people kind of like one another, one a little more than the other. One asks the other for a coffee or lunch and they get to know one another. They date. All going well, this trajectory continues until there is potential to enter the BOVVERED zone.

Scenario 2:

Two people kind of like one another, one a little more than the other. One asks the other for a coffee or lunch and they get to know one another. They date. One decides that they don't like the other person and backs off. The other people continues to like them but gets the hint. They eventually find their way back to the happy equilibrium and go back to being 'NOT BOVVERED'.

I feel like I just cannot get out the SUBO zone. I think I will inform Dear Deirdrie that I have officially given up. Crush one is definitely entering my sabotage zone and I am definitely on the verge of fucking it up. I just can't do it. It gave us all a good giggle while it lasted but I admit defeat.

I have opted for a Bengal cat and have stopped plucking my eyebrows.


It's GLEE time.

Kikicee


Monday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, steamed salmon and courgettes for lunch, 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: NONE

Day Eighty to Day Eighty Two: Otto Titsling

Dear David,

It's official. I no longer have breasts. I now have HOOTERS. Having bought bras recently that were giving me the rather unfortunate '4 boob' effect, a colleague recommended I go to Bravissimo in Glasgow to be properly fitted for a bra. I went today. I arrived a 38D and I left a 34F. I giggled from Ingram Street to Rogano, in Royal Exchange Square. I laughed so loudly, a man stopped to ask me if someone had told me a good joke. I giggled while I had oysters and a virgin mary and I have not stopped laughing since. I cannot get the scene from Beaches out of my head where Bette Midler does the song about Otto Titsling. I actually now own a tit hammock.

I had big plans today to clean, work and exercise but shopping prevailed. I worked a little yesterday, pouring over some very boring policy statements from the FSA. I was up late on Saturday and I went into Glasgow for a while. I cleaned in the evening but really ended up making more of a mess. I went out on Friday night and was terribly bad. I drank and I had chicken pakora. I still was the token sober one as I didn't put that much away but we had ended up the in shittest club I think I have ever been in. Boho, across the road from Kelvingrove Art Gallery, is truly the most shit club on the face of the earth. It drove me to drink, it truly did. The women were faked tanned, faked eyelashes, hooker shoes and glitter. The men were tight pin striped trousers, brothel creepers, fitted shirts and preened hair. The music was crap, the floor was sticky and the dance floor lit up.

I am also blaming Boho (now named BooHoo) for the chicken pakora that I ate after we came out of the place. Stood in the street, horsing it, before my taxi came. Ragdster got a little virtrolic with FiFi and there was some storming off and drama. I am too old for this kind of shite. I watched like a bemused spectator, ate my pakora and then came home. I crept into bed and, for the first time in I don't know how long, I did not take my make-up off and woke up on Saturday like something from Tales from the Crypt. Nice.

I went for a run on Saturday to remediate for the drinking/eating on Friday and it was a great run. I really enjoyed it. I have not gained anything this weekend and it is not for the want of being bad. I really need to focus - I am still a big fat beast. I am enjoying being a couple of sizes smaller and I think I am resting on my laurels a little.

I will leave you with the lyrics from Otto Titsling. I implore you to watch it - it's too funny for words! Me and my hooters are off to bed.

Otto Titsling, inventor and kraut,
had nothing to get very worked up about.
His inventions were failures, his future seemed bleak.
He fled to the opera at least twice a week.

One night at the opera he saw an Aida
who's tits were so big they would often impede her.
Bug-eyed he watched her fall into the pit,
done in by the weight of those terrible tits.

Oh, my god! There she blows!
Aerodynamically this bitch was a mess.
Otto eyeballed the diva lying comatose amongst the reeds,
and he suddenly felt the fire of inspiration
flood his soul. He knew what he had to do!
He ran back to his workshop
where he futzed and futzed and futzed.

For Otto Titsling had found his quest:
to lift and mold the female breast;
to point the small ones to the sky;
to keep the big ones high and dry!

Every night he'd sweat and snort
searching for the right support.
He tried some string and paper clips.
Hey! He even tried his own two lips!

Well, he stitched and he slaved
and he slaved and he stitched
until finally one night, in the wee hours of morning,
Otto arose from his workbench triumphant.
Yes! He had invented the worlds first
over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. Hooray!

Exhausted but ecstatic he ran
down the street to the diva's house
bearing the prototype in his hot little hand.
Now, the diva did not want to try the darn thing on.
But, after many initial misgivings,
she finally did.
And the sigh of relief that issued forth
from the diva's mouth
was so loud that it was mistaken by some
to be the early onset of the Siroccan Winds
which would often roll through the Schwarzwald
with a vengeance!
Ahhhhh-i!

But little did Otto know,
at the moment of his greatest triumph,
lurking under the diva's bed
was none other than the very worst
of the French patent thieves,
Philippe DeBrassiere.
And Phil was watching the scene
with a great deal of interest!

Later that night, while our Brun Hilda slept,
into the wardrobe Philippe softly crept.
He fumbled through knickers and corsets galore,
'til he found Otto's titsling and he ran out the door.

Crying, "Oh, my god! What joy! What bliss!
I'm gonna make me a million from this!
Every woman in the world will wanna buy one.
I can have all the goods manufactured in Taiwan."

"Oh, thank you!"

The result of this swindle is pointedly clear:
Do you buy a titsling or do you buy a brassiere?

Kikicee


Friday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, wee can of tuna and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch + chicken pakora after the pub....I had 3 shots of tequila and a vodka.....

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: NONE

Saturday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, wee can of tuna and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter for late-afternoon snack, turkey and red peppers for dinner


Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: RUNNING - 40 mins


Sunday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch,  6 oysters and a virgin Mary, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, turkey and spinach for dinner

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: NONE

Day Seventy Nine: 37 percent

Dear David,

Today was much, much better than yesterday. I laid out scones and the happiness started. I worked hard this morning and got lots done. I had a meeting in the afternoon and then I had another workshop before finishing up for the night. Chatted to my boss about the disasterous meeting and he told me that today was Optimistic Thursday! So I came up with a few strategies to push and pull people, gently, through the decision-making process. I told him he was fantastic and he told me I was fantastic. Put down the phone and felt a warm glow. Love my boss, really do. He is the ying to my yang, or rather the ice to my fire.

I have been feeling frustrated of late with the lack of weight loss. I know I am gaining muscle, I know I am losing inches but I can't help expecting to see some results on the scales. I was speaking to TG today, an agent I have dealt with in the past, and a bastion of health and fitness. He told me that I should get my body fat measured at the gym and that I would see results there.

However, I found a way to measure fat that does not require the kit that they use in the gym. The page I found is here.

"While most people associate measuring body fat with skin calipers, there's another method that involves taking a few measurements and using a formula to determine the percentage of body fat. This method, used by the US Navy, is as accurate (and possibly more accurate) than the skinfold test. Plus, it's more convenient. So here's how to use what the Navy calls the "rope and choke" technique to measure your body fat percentage." The calculator that this site links to does not work so I used this one here.

So here's goes nothing...

The result is 37.22%. I am in a healthy range (by the skin of my ass) - wonders never cease! I found a super article on it and the other things the one can measure to have a more complete view of your make up and where you need to be. I am going to ask about all of these at the gym at work and see what I can get done there. I need to keep motivated!

Kikicee


Thursday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, wee can of tuna and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter for late-afternoon snack, Turkey and broccoli for dinner

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: RUNNING - 40 mins

Day Seventy Eight: I have the all consuming rage

Dear David,

The day started well and then descended into hell.

I had a lovely morning. I floated about, got lots of work done in preparation for late afternoon meeting. Dear Deirdre managed to get to the core of my problem. Basically, I get so socially stunted that I refrain from any natural human interaction and build up a fake relationship in my head. I then build it up and then I knock it down - crush is over and I move on. No-one gets hurt and no-one is any the wiser but I end up in what Dear Deirdre has named the SUBO (Susan Boyle) zone. This is the zone when I end up alone in a council flat with a monobrow and a brood of cats, fantasizing about all my imaginary relationships.

What Dear Deirdre suggested was that I needed to do was exit the SUBO zone immediately when i like someone and enter the 'NOT BOVVERED' zone. When I have identified someone I would like to know more about, I should act immediately to ask them for coffee or lunch or something. I then keep in this zone and by learning more about the actual person, I might enter into the 'BOVVERED' zone. I fashioned this into what I call;

THE TRAJECTORY OF 'AM I BOVVERED?' OR HOW NOT TO BECOME SUBO

This is now pinned up on my wall and we are going to track my progress. The Jag and Dear Deirdre and going to come over to the supermarket with me at lunchtime and score me on striking up conversations with strangers and I have to ask a few people to lunch that I know but do not have a crush on so that I get used to the whole concept of not being a headcase.

I also got series of recommendations of how I should communicate with one of my colleagues based on his Jungian style personality report. I am making up my own bloody chart and he and the people from this afternoon's meeting are getting a copy of it.

The afternoon meeting was DIABOLICAL. Utter shite. I bascially went in to get final sign off on decisions that the group assembled had made in workshops I had held. I had minuted all the decisions, faithfully sent them and asked for any interim feedback. You would have thought that I had made them all up based on their reaction. They argued and debated and argued and debated at me. I was so frustrated. I then had a stupid comment from one of the girls about a decision that had been made in another workshop, that she had been at, sneering and indicating how stupid it was. I actually felt pure, utter rage. Meeting finished late and I missed my bus. It took me almost 3 hours to get home and actually feel like killing somone. I made about 3 million stress scones and I thumped the living hell of them!



I am off to bed now - all too much for me, my monobrow and cats.


Wednesday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, wee can of tuna and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter for late-afternoon snack, chicken and spinach curry

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: Nout

Day Seventy Seven: Running....out of time, it would seem

Dear David,

Busy and sunny day. Had meeting at 8.30 am and it continued in the same vein. I did get some respite as the people who should have attended the afternoon workshop could not make it and it was cancelled by default. Joy! I got some time to catch up on work and chat to my pod buddies.

It was somewhat a double edged sword. One, who we shall call 'Dear Deidre', has decided that he is going to add remedying my 'dateless' status to his work objectives. He tried to persuade me to make overtures to crush one today but I explained how engrained my social retardation is - I recounted one of my sorry tales. There was a chap I liked at the last place that I worked in and he messaged me one day and said 'I am thirsty'. I replied 'You should drink something'. He said 'I would like to..'. I replied 'Would you like a side of bitchy company with that?'

So the plan was made to go for a drink after work. I got so anxious about it that when 5.30pm came, I stood up and invited our whole team to the pub. EPIC, EPIC, EPIC FAIL. Dear Deirdre almost removed the item from his list of objectives on hearing this story as he now feels that he did not appreciate how difficult this objective would be to meet!

Apart from my general social retardation, it was a great day and I went for a much needed run. It was great today and I have definitely found a pace that I am comfortable with by taking out the pulse monitor and keeping my heart rate to 155. Really made a difference today but definitely still feeling the drag of my gargantuan arse.

On the subject of the gargantuan arse, I actually felt a muscle twinge in it today post run. It was a beautiful moment until I realised that I had a stitch in both my side and my arse. I wish the dog had bit it off at the farm!

Off to start the ebaying of all my clothes that don't fit me.

Kikicee


Tuesday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, wee can of tuna and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla)

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: Running - 40 mins

Day Seventy Three to Day Seventy Six: Cheat-astic

Dear David,

I went to funeral on Friday; a very sad affair indeed. My good friend's father died rather suddenly and it was awful to see him so upset. We had a wake afterwards and the traditional fare here in Scotland is steak pie, tatties and peas. It is not optional and not the kind of occasion where one can whip up a shake and slurp it. So I had lentil soup, steak pie and the trimmings and then went to the pub. I didn't drink any alcohol though. I headed into Glasgow for the latter half of the day. I went for a bit of a shop and had things to do at the bank.

I went to Whistles, Space.NK and COS. Whistles has a fantastic sale on at the moment and bought myself a fabulous green, body con style dress. The cheeky mare at the counter, umprompted, told me that it suited people with curves better but so few of them tried it on because they were worried about the body contouring nature of the frock. Who asked you, stick insect lady? Who asked you? Take my card and my money and cut the chat. Now I have a complex about wearing the frock. I wore it today to impress crush one but I think I might be off him.

The more (and more) I think about it, I have never been any good at picking men. For my parents, it must have been like when a cat comes home with something it has killed as a present. 'Oh dear, we are so pleased you have met somone, but you do realise he is a decapitated mouse?' The ones that have courted and woo'ed have, on average, been better chaps that the ones I have made a bee line for.....the moral of the story, the universe will provide. With more and more thought I realise the crush one lacks orchids and crush two has the potential to be the most boring arse that ever walked the face of the earth. Back to the drawing board.....or rather the Edinburgh cat and dog home.




I went to friend's farm in Ayrshire this weekend. I headed over on Saturday morning and the sun was breaking the sky, breaking the sky. They have sheep and it's nearly lambing season. There were two new, rather early lambs.

The dog is still mouthing and had a good bite at my large bum. The dog has a penchant for girls bums and I have quite a meal there for the biting! We watched some cracking DVDs and really just pottered about.

It was a great weekend but, after the steak pie funeral, I was on a slippery slope. We ate a McDonalds in the car on the way up and then had an Indian meal in th evening. MInd you, it was not just a McDonalds - it was a proper supersize - large McChicken Sandwich meal AND 6 chicken nuggets on the side. I am still regretting not having the sundae as well. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Well, two pounds to be precise...

I jumped on the scales this morning and it's a two pound gain. I am back on track now and am getting really stuck into the running this week. I am off now for some dinner and then it's GLEEEEEEEEEEEEE time!

Kikicee

Friday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla),Lentil Soup & Steak Pie, protein shake (Vanilla)
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: NONE

Saturday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), MEGA McDonalds, Chicken Curry & Rice, Naan Bread....
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: NONE

Sunday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla),Chicken & green veg, protein shake (Vanilla)
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: NONE

Day Seventy Two: Freedom

Dear David,

Oh bliss! No workshops today, a much needed reprieve. I had to do a training course late in the day but it gave me time to get write-ups done from this week, lots of work and admin and talk a lot of shite to my colleagues. It was delightful. I have not spoken to my pod buddies for two weeks or thereabouts and I have been missing them terribly. I disseminated scones, left a grand national sweepstake kit to be run tomorrow in my absence and generally blethered.

Finally managed to get lunch with my two nearest and dearest pod buddies. We talked about the crushes that I have and one of them has decided that, as I am not getting any younger, I should take a more agressive approach. He has decided that I should not be left on the shelf and become a crazy cat lady so he suggested that we raffle a date with me to raise funds for the victims in Japan. Then we should fix the results so that it ends up to be one of two crushes. Failing that, he sent me a link to the Edinburgh cat and dog home, where they have pictures of cats that you can rehome! I'm going for the cat and the crushes have abated. Nothing like reality to put you off someone!

I went for a run today and it was great. It was hard going as it was more running this time than walking. I really feel weighted down by huge ass and am very aware that I make running look hard. I enabled the GPS on the C25K app and it was great to see speeds and distance at the end. It will be good to compare and contrast my progress over the coming weeks. Feel full of beans and full of health. Mood positively elevated!

I am getting a little bored with how slow weight loss is at the moment. It's going in the right direction and it's steady but I would like more dramatic results. I am losing patience but trying to stay focused. I am wondering how best to keep myself motivated through the next 50 pounds.......

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow so might not get a chance to update blog but will try my best. I am heading to farm this weekend and going to throw a few sheep about and catch up with my one of my oldest and bestest friends. Roll on the weekend!


Kikicee

Thursday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), wee can of tuna, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch, another can of tuna for late-afternoon snack, grilled chicken and green vegetables
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: 30 mins RUN and 15 mins of MABEL