Day One Hundred & Fifteen to Eighteen: Italia supercheat

Dear David,

Dear, sweet Italia. Flew out on Friday night and arrived in Milano Orio Al Serio and met up with Nina, John, Wendy, Wesley and the unstoppable Rita. Rita is a friend of the family, woman of a certain age and quite a character. We all headed in hired van to Fidenza but made the necessary stop in the Autogrill. Autogrill is a road side service station but not as we know it. It's also used as the place to go after a night's drinking for food. Given that most of the clubs are out of town in Italy and everyone drink drives, you basically head back home via an Autogrill. Ligabue summs it up in the song Certe Notti.

Certe notti fai un po' di cagnara che sentano che non cambierai più.
Certain nights you make a bit of uproar so those nights feel that you'll never change
Quelle notti fra cosce e zanzare e nebbia e locali a cui dai del tu.
Those nights between thighs and mosquitos and fog and bars where they know your name
Certe notti c'hai qualche ferita che qualche tua amica disinfetterà.
Certain nights you have some wound that one of your girlfriends will disinfect
Certe notti coi bar che son chiusi al primo autogrill c'è chi festeggerà.
Certain nights with that bars that closed, at the first autogrill there is someone who will celebrate

Autogrill also has some cracking sweeties and I had my pick of all the liquorice goodness I could get my hands on. Big bag of Sacla and a pack of pure liquorice. Yum. There was also no need to share as there are only about five other people on the planet who like liquorice and they never seem to be present when I have some. Bliss.

Nina and John

Rita, the grand old dame, started regaling us with stories. These are not stories but epics and they ramble through countries, years and many, many people. They are all true but are so amazing they start to feel like they have the element of untruth. We had many a debate about the percentage of embellishment in Rita's stories. One started with 'When I was driving this SAS officer to his wedding'. There was one about being at Omar Sharif's house and many stories about her time in Tripoli.

The star of the show: Baby Oscar

John was on Rita duty and we chatted or dozed before we arrived at Gab's house and kissed, hugged and deposited Rita before going to the hotel to check in. Hotel was an Italian hotel, which means it was pretty crap and all the rooms smelt of feet, coffee and cigarette smoke. I had opted for the suite and it was just bigger than the other room but equally as crappy. Clean though and not much to complain about. Slumped into bed and slept like a baby...after eating a bag of Fonzies. These are Italian wotsits. Epic.

Awoke the next morning with some Fonzie crumbs to keep me company. Headed down for breakfast where coffee was being served by what can only be described as an 80's crack whore. A slightly spaced out, crabbit young girl who was dreadfully thin, wearing white leggings, white shoes, a tiny pink skirt and pink vest, fluro pink earings and very, very big hair. Breakfast was seven shades of dreadful so just asked the crack whore for green tea, downed it and headed to the nearest bar with Nina and cousin Steve who had arrived the night before. A green tea and thermobubbles but the side order was a piadina with crudo and mozzarella. Delicious.

Tortelli di Zucca

Bit of shopping in Fidenza and purchases of nail varnish and cheese. W & W and I then headed into Parma. I used to live in Parma and this is where Gab and I met in 2000 when we were teaching English and then subsequently both got other jobs. I was there for about three years and loved it.

I went round my old hauts and old house. I went to Caffe Orientale and had salad and a good few spritzes (campari and champagne). I also had to go shopping as the temperature in Italy was about 16/17 degrees when I checked a week before I left but the temperature in the few days before I left had gone to heat wave proportions and was at an uncharacteristically high 35 degrees for May. I had nothing really that suitable and had to go buy something to wear that was more suited to the dreadfully humid and hot weather.

Things I hate about Italy - buying clothes. It is nigh on impossible to buy anything above a size twelve. There is also nothing more demoralising after losing 3 stone and being able to get into a size 14 than skulking about in the fat lady area in H&M. Gab knows the manager and she refuses to stock anything above a size 12 but H&M make her have the Taglie Forte section and it starts at a size 20. I bought a huge blue shirt and a pair of leggings. Girl in front of me in queue was covered in the downy fluff of anorexia as she bought size 6 hotpants. Either on the chew and spit diet, full blown anorexia or abusing laxatives - all favourites of italian women, as we found out when we first arrived and realised we were the only women horsing wine and pizza at dinner. Dreadful.

Pizza and a disgruntled looking Rita

We headed out to dinner on Saturday evening and went to a pizzeria. Beautiful place. I had salad nicoise for lunch a few biccies but I had a final flourish at dinner. I started with Tortelli di Zucca; pumpkin Tortelli filled with pumkin. I then had pizza with cream of pumpkin, mozzarella, red onion and red pepper. I did not manage to finish it but got a doggy bag. Finished with panna cotta with caramel sauce and had copious amount of wine. Delicious.

Lovely church in Fornio

We continued to drink back in Fidenza into the wee small hours and headed back to the hotel about 2am. Up early the next day for the christening and I was feeling a bit off but nothing serious. The same cannot be said of the rest of our troupe. Christening of lovely baby Oscar started and moments later cousin Steve left the church and then hit the deck. Panic ensued as the Italians who saw him faint ran out and failed to revive him. Steve's legs were thrown into the air, a crowd formed and he awoke to a babble of Italian voices in various states of panic. He also managed to rip the arse out of his trousers.

Steve sat in the van for the rest of the christening, nursing a hangover and his dignity. The christening continued and the service was lovely. The priest's sermon was very moving and he spoke at length about how the trappings of modern life were not really what life was about. He spoke about how politics, economics were merely products of society but that this was not our destiny. Our destiny was to become good people and live with faith and that everything else was incidental. As Italy is in the throes of economic meltdown, this was as moving as it was relevant.

Some of the crew post christening

Baby was duly dunked and we renounced Satan and all his works. Pictures followed and usual Italian rabble and clamour for the baby ensued. Gab was forced into the background as generation of matriachs trampled over her and grabbed her children. Eventually we got together and got some photos and then headed to the bar for breakfast. Lovely big custard filled croissant and a green tea.

Off to Gab's for the barbeque. Spread was fantastic and ranged from quiche, cheese, crudo, salami, cakes, crisps, tartine and lots and lots of meat. I had to change into my blue shirt, or tent, and the leggings. I had the look of someone about to give a class in expressive dance and was put in mind of a Julie Walters and Victoria Wood style sketch. It was roasting, so incredibly roasting. We sheltered, nae cowered from the heat and persuaded Umbi to put the padding pool in the garden for the children.....

Alex, Gab's youngest boy, stripped off and jumped in paddling pool, followed by 5 sets of adult feet as we tried desperately to cool down. Played a lot with Alex and I had a chance to get to know him. A lovely little boy, a little prince. He is full of energy and full of fun. We played at paddling pool, cars, rugby and it culminated in his bath and bedtime story. Oscar was really full of tears all day - too many people and just too bloody warm.

Wendy and Wes on hearing news Celtic had won the Cup

We ate, drank and were merry but sweaty until late and then headed back to hotel. Off to bed after a quick nightcap of a Negroni. Woke up early the next morning but made myself stay in bed until 9am before packing and then checking out. Breakfast of a piadina and then off to Gab's for some leftovers lunch. We waved Steve off and then we headed to the outlet at Fidenza for some designer bargains. I got D&G belt for £50 reduced from £300 and a Cocinelle bag reduced from £300 to £170. I got another bag which I am going to give my sister for her birthday next month and I also had the best green tea ever. It came in the most beautiful pyramid shaped box with a little green leaf at the top. I had to stop myself from taking it home and hording it.



Back to Gab's and mooched about for a while before heading to airport for very delayed flight. Got home about 4am instead of 11pm and had to mail in and tell boss I wouldn't be in until 12.30.

Has been the most tiring day, topped off with a meeting that overran and meant I missed bus and spent three hours getting home. Got home at 9pm and feel a bit teary with the stress of it all. Argued with boss over timescales and deadlines today and have another month ahead of me that will mean late nights and a lot more work than one person can deal with. He's not listening to me or he is and he does not give a damn. Either way I think its time for another job.

More on Italia and musings on Italia tomorrow. Back to detailing food from today and weigh in at end of week. Can't face it at the moment and know a few days of being good should undo the damage I have done in Italia!


Kikicee


Tuesday

Food: protein shake (Vanilla), tuna and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner

Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia

Exercise: No exercise....poor show...