Dear David,
Off to do the Camino! 130 kms in one week departing from Santander.
Got shakes with me, thermobubbles, vitamins, probiotics and have so much cocodamol in me there is not a chance I'll be drinking alcohol. Going to eat what I want but keep carb free and refined sugar free.
I will return a new woman. Back to running training, back to blogging and hope that this week kick starts the old metabolism.
Kikicee
Every year I make New Year's Resolutions that I end up breaking. However, this year is not the Chinese year of the Rabbit but the year of the bridesmaid. My baby sister is getting married on New Year's Eve this year and I have no intention of being a fat bridesmaid (again). I need to lose 5 stone 11 pounds or 81 pounds. I will be doing the Ultimate New York Body Plan devised by celebrated trainer and wellness guru to the stars, David Kirsch. David, it's just you and me!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Day One Hundred & Thirty Two to One Hundred Forty Six: Busy Bee
Dear David,
It's official. My job is now not condusive to weight loss, exercise or any kind of feeling of wellness. I am officially exhausted. I have not blogged since the 7th of June, which is shocking and a total epic fail. I have crammed in a lot and that includes food as well as general fun activities. I have not gained any weight but I have not lost any in god only knows how long and I am not checking how long to keep from absolutely killing my morale.
I went to Ireland for the weekend to visit friends. I used to live in South County Dublin and was there for about 3 years. Headed over and caught up with good, good friends and had some good, good times. Friend I was staying with had organised tickets for a food festival. If you are sensing that I might have grubbed it, you should trust your instincts. I grubbed it.
Her boyfriend got us VIP tickets as he imports wine and sells to restaurants in Dublin. Makes me giggle every time he tells someone as it sounds like the wankiest profession in the world. Yes, it sounds like it....but I was wrong. We met some classic characters at the food festival. Mostly friends of his friends and all Celtic Tiger pups. One woman had been the face of women's golf in Ireland and found every way, at every point in the conversation, whether relevant or not, to tell me how much money she had. It was quite obvious that a lot of this money had found its way up her and her partner's nose. Brain addled but she drives a Porsche and has a 9 under par handicap, or some such other bullshit, so that makes it ok.
Another one was a women of quite stunning beauty who had married well, a couple of times, and after the divorce from hubbie number two had made a bloody fortune. She opened a chain of hairdressers and beauty salons in Dublin and made even more. She also had put quite a lot of her fortune up her nose, by all accounts.
Had a bloody good time. Ate like I had never had a good meal in my life and found that, when you hang out with the cocaine addled, rich kids, you pay for nothing. Nothing. We got everything for free because they knew everyone and we were handed free food and drink like it was going out of fashion.
Headed to No Name after the festival and hung out and had a few waters (still taking cocodamol and opiods and alcohol DO NOT MIX). Great late bar in Dublin and one of my favourite spots. Somewhat marred when one of the chaps tried to hit on me by rather awkwardly putting his clamy hand on my knee. It made me realise that I am not actually in the mood for any of it and should definitely invest in a cat! Came home relaxed though and had a great time.
Now ramping up to go and do part of the Camino to Santiago de Compostela - I am going to do about 130kms in about 7 days and a couple of days either side to chill out a little. It did seem like a good idea when I booked it but I could actually do with lying in a darkened room for a week and just doing nothing. Hoping this will get me back on track with the exercise.
Anyways, off to bed now. Resolve to update blog more frequently and will start detailing food intake and exercise again......
Sorry, David.
Ciara
It's official. My job is now not condusive to weight loss, exercise or any kind of feeling of wellness. I am officially exhausted. I have not blogged since the 7th of June, which is shocking and a total epic fail. I have crammed in a lot and that includes food as well as general fun activities. I have not gained any weight but I have not lost any in god only knows how long and I am not checking how long to keep from absolutely killing my morale.
I went to Ireland for the weekend to visit friends. I used to live in South County Dublin and was there for about 3 years. Headed over and caught up with good, good friends and had some good, good times. Friend I was staying with had organised tickets for a food festival. If you are sensing that I might have grubbed it, you should trust your instincts. I grubbed it.
Another one was a women of quite stunning beauty who had married well, a couple of times, and after the divorce from hubbie number two had made a bloody fortune. She opened a chain of hairdressers and beauty salons in Dublin and made even more. She also had put quite a lot of her fortune up her nose, by all accounts.
Had a bloody good time. Ate like I had never had a good meal in my life and found that, when you hang out with the cocaine addled, rich kids, you pay for nothing. Nothing. We got everything for free because they knew everyone and we were handed free food and drink like it was going out of fashion.
Headed to No Name after the festival and hung out and had a few waters (still taking cocodamol and opiods and alcohol DO NOT MIX). Great late bar in Dublin and one of my favourite spots. Somewhat marred when one of the chaps tried to hit on me by rather awkwardly putting his clamy hand on my knee. It made me realise that I am not actually in the mood for any of it and should definitely invest in a cat! Came home relaxed though and had a great time.
Now ramping up to go and do part of the Camino to Santiago de Compostela - I am going to do about 130kms in about 7 days and a couple of days either side to chill out a little. It did seem like a good idea when I booked it but I could actually do with lying in a darkened room for a week and just doing nothing. Hoping this will get me back on track with the exercise.
Anyways, off to bed now. Resolve to update blog more frequently and will start detailing food intake and exercise again......
Sorry, David.
Ciara
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Day One Hundred & Thirty One to Day One Hundred and Thirty Two: Tramedol is sooo last year
Dear David,
Back on track diet-wise the last couple of days. Went back to work today - yuck!
As for Tramedol, pah! I laugh in your general direction. I am now on a rather interesting combination of co-codamol, diclofenac and amitriptyline. Amitriptyline is normally used in a higher dose for depression but can be used in low doses for pain management, where the pain in caused by a neurological disturbance. You take it in the evening, before bed and it knocks you out but not before giving you an hour of elation and hysterical giggles. Off to pop a pill. Tee hee!
Kikicee
Monday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: You've guessed it....none
TuesdayFood: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken and veg, almonds for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: You've guessed it....none
Back on track diet-wise the last couple of days. Went back to work today - yuck!
As for Tramedol, pah! I laugh in your general direction. I am now on a rather interesting combination of co-codamol, diclofenac and amitriptyline. Amitriptyline is normally used in a higher dose for depression but can be used in low doses for pain management, where the pain in caused by a neurological disturbance. You take it in the evening, before bed and it knocks you out but not before giving you an hour of elation and hysterical giggles. Off to pop a pill. Tee hee!
Kikicee
Monday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: You've guessed it....none
TuesdayFood: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken and veg, almonds for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: You've guessed it....none
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Day One Hundred & Thirty and One Hundred & Thirty One: tramedol, how I hate you
Dear David,
Turns out I am allergic to tramedol, yet another hospital visit. Shite.
Off to bed with new drugs. Eaten whatever has been put in front of me.
Kikicee
Turns out I am allergic to tramedol, yet another hospital visit. Shite.
Off to bed with new drugs. Eaten whatever has been put in front of me.
Kikicee
Friday, June 3, 2011
Day One Hundred & Twenty Nine: sunny tramedol days
Dear David,
Tramedol is wonderful, simply wonderful. It's not getting rid of pins and needles or facial ticks but the pain is gone and I feel very, very chilled out. Cant really feel my feet.
Made a quiche for lunch for mummy and daddy bears and ploughed in myself. Just eating what I feel like today.
Not much more to report.
Kikicee
Tramedol is wonderful, simply wonderful. It's not getting rid of pins and needles or facial ticks but the pain is gone and I feel very, very chilled out. Cant really feel my feet.
Made a quiche for lunch for mummy and daddy bears and ploughed in myself. Just eating what I feel like today.
Not much more to report.
Kikicee
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Day One Hundred & Twenty Eight: the gloating golfer
Dear David,
Well spent last night in A&E. Conked out a few times from the pain and was persuaded that instead of just going for a kip, I should instead go to the hospital. Scanned, prodded and drugged and sent home.
Went to see endo this afternoon and MRI ordered just need to wait for an appointment. Got big milk carton to pee in too to do a 24h urinary free cortisol. Endo prescribed tramedol but I said no to neurontin (anti-epilepsy medication) as it makes me very spaced out and subdued.
Tootled out, with my sore head and twitching face and went to Fallon and Byrne with mother. Had chicken liver pate, toast and really gigantic piece of cake. It was soul food.
Gloating golfer a.k.a. Man is no more and feel cleansed. Befriending will be limited to those who are nice and I must hone my judgement. However, social skills are definitely getting better and being a little bit more proactive with people, organising stuff and making coffee and lunch dates. All valuable Subo points!!!
Still bit tired. Bought delicious cookbook, which is also simply the most divinely beautiful book I have ever seen. Going to read it in bed and plan some wicked delights for when I finally open a cafe/bar/deli.
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken liver pate and toast, a big cake
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
Well spent last night in A&E. Conked out a few times from the pain and was persuaded that instead of just going for a kip, I should instead go to the hospital. Scanned, prodded and drugged and sent home.
Went to see endo this afternoon and MRI ordered just need to wait for an appointment. Got big milk carton to pee in too to do a 24h urinary free cortisol. Endo prescribed tramedol but I said no to neurontin (anti-epilepsy medication) as it makes me very spaced out and subdued.
Tootled out, with my sore head and twitching face and went to Fallon and Byrne with mother. Had chicken liver pate, toast and really gigantic piece of cake. It was soul food.
Gloating golfer a.k.a. Man is no more and feel cleansed. Befriending will be limited to those who are nice and I must hone my judgement. However, social skills are definitely getting better and being a little bit more proactive with people, organising stuff and making coffee and lunch dates. All valuable Subo points!!!
Still bit tired. Bought delicious cookbook, which is also simply the most divinely beautiful book I have ever seen. Going to read it in bed and plan some wicked delights for when I finally open a cafe/bar/deli.
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken liver pate and toast, a big cake
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
Location:Home
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Day One Hundred & Twenty Seven: Arseholes
Dear David,
This evening has made for more pleasant TV viewing. Did an hour of yoga when I came in to avoid dreadful television and post shower I am revelling in watching 9 to 5.
I have hospital appointment tomorrow, which is great as the pain is now reaching fever pitch and I simply can't concentrate. My face is full of pins and needles and I'm rather crabbit.
Anyways, must ignore Man from now on after terse interaction today. Heinous. Horrid.
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, salmon salad for lunch, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + couple of teaspoons of sugar free peanut butter
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
This evening has made for more pleasant TV viewing. Did an hour of yoga when I came in to avoid dreadful television and post shower I am revelling in watching 9 to 5.
I have hospital appointment tomorrow, which is great as the pain is now reaching fever pitch and I simply can't concentrate. My face is full of pins and needles and I'm rather crabbit.
Anyways, must ignore Man from now on after terse interaction today. Heinous. Horrid.
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, salmon salad for lunch, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + couple of teaspoons of sugar free peanut butter
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Day One Hundred & Twenty Six: TVpression
Dear David,
Part two of today's musings. Isn't the TV a load of old shite? This evening I have had adultery, abuse, violence and this culminated in a show about bad carers slapping mentally ill people. I am now being subjected to a show about people talking about social issues in Scotland and how we can resolve them. It has just turned into a big moaning session. This is the thing I cannot stand about these programmes; there is no action, no resolution and no end state. I mean what is the point of highlighting an issue and there being little or no follow-up?
More importantly what happened to light entertainment? Where is the fun, the music, the dancing girls? I mean I am not advocating that television become vacuous, inane and sugary but oh my god, does it all need to be earthy, gritty and real. Does it all need to be grey? And when it is not grey, does it need to be brash and vulgar?
I found myself this Sunday watching re-runs of Agatha Christie adaptions. I know there will a conclusion, a happy-ish ending and that everybody will be dreadfully posh and wonderfully twee. I like things that are well-written, while having an element of the formulaic. I like an ending and like when we they don't show the horrific mugging of an eldery woman as graphically as possible but instead talk in hushed tones of the coshing of old ladies, which incidentally is a wonderful word.
I can feel the white rage becoming white hot having had to watch the shit I have had to watch tonight but virtue of being in the living room so that I can work on my laptop. Some man has just said that given that we are the Scottish race gave the world the Enlightenment, we should be able to cure all our social ills. I think Hutcheson and Hume are turning in their respective graves.
The dreadful show is an audience-based show discussing another TV show called The Scheme, a show about a housing estate and its residents in Kilmarnock. They are discussing the social problems that were highlighted in the program. Throwing Hume into the equation was one of the most stupid and depressing moments of the show, as some wannabe intellectual tried to ram the Scottish Enlightment rather forcefully into the conversation as some kind of solution for drug addiction, unemployment and the ruination of generation upon generation of individuals.
So now I am watching Glee online and it's lovely and everyone is singing.
Kikicee
Part two of today's musings. Isn't the TV a load of old shite? This evening I have had adultery, abuse, violence and this culminated in a show about bad carers slapping mentally ill people. I am now being subjected to a show about people talking about social issues in Scotland and how we can resolve them. It has just turned into a big moaning session. This is the thing I cannot stand about these programmes; there is no action, no resolution and no end state. I mean what is the point of highlighting an issue and there being little or no follow-up?
More importantly what happened to light entertainment? Where is the fun, the music, the dancing girls? I mean I am not advocating that television become vacuous, inane and sugary but oh my god, does it all need to be earthy, gritty and real. Does it all need to be grey? And when it is not grey, does it need to be brash and vulgar?
I found myself this Sunday watching re-runs of Agatha Christie adaptions. I know there will a conclusion, a happy-ish ending and that everybody will be dreadfully posh and wonderfully twee. I like things that are well-written, while having an element of the formulaic. I like an ending and like when we they don't show the horrific mugging of an eldery woman as graphically as possible but instead talk in hushed tones of the coshing of old ladies, which incidentally is a wonderful word.
I can feel the white rage becoming white hot having had to watch the shit I have had to watch tonight but virtue of being in the living room so that I can work on my laptop. Some man has just said that given that we are the Scottish race gave the world the Enlightenment, we should be able to cure all our social ills. I think Hutcheson and Hume are turning in their respective graves.
The dreadful show is an audience-based show discussing another TV show called The Scheme, a show about a housing estate and its residents in Kilmarnock. They are discussing the social problems that were highlighted in the program. Throwing Hume into the equation was one of the most stupid and depressing moments of the show, as some wannabe intellectual tried to ram the Scottish Enlightment rather forcefully into the conversation as some kind of solution for drug addiction, unemployment and the ruination of generation upon generation of individuals.
So now I am watching Glee online and it's lovely and everyone is singing.
Kikicee
Day One Hundred & Twenty Six: Spirit me home
Dear David,
Head is in tatters today. Work was good though, all things considered and I got a lot done. Dear Deirdre is off to Ireland so just the Jag and I again for lunch today. Great blether. Demented with sore head now and shattered from not being able to sleep. Can't wait to see the endo on Thursday.
Stood at bus stop tonight wishing and hoping and praying that someone, anyone would pass that knew me and take me home. I would love, just one evening, to be in well before 7pm. Miriam was on the bus this evening though and we had a good chat and it made the journey pass more quickly.
Need to get more adventurous with cooking. I don't think the bland, yet quick and easy, meals I am putting together are interesting enough. I have not made stuffed red peppers for a while and need to liberate some spices from the cupboard. Might go wild with some chicken this evening for tomorrow's lunch.
Senses being assaulted by River City. Mother refuses to put it off and it is seven shades of terrible. Woeful.
I have more work to do this evening.....again. I am heading back to work now.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, salmon, anchovies and salad for lunch, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + couple of teaspoons of sugar free peanut butter
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
Head is in tatters today. Work was good though, all things considered and I got a lot done. Dear Deirdre is off to Ireland so just the Jag and I again for lunch today. Great blether. Demented with sore head now and shattered from not being able to sleep. Can't wait to see the endo on Thursday.
Stood at bus stop tonight wishing and hoping and praying that someone, anyone would pass that knew me and take me home. I would love, just one evening, to be in well before 7pm. Miriam was on the bus this evening though and we had a good chat and it made the journey pass more quickly.
Need to get more adventurous with cooking. I don't think the bland, yet quick and easy, meals I am putting together are interesting enough. I have not made stuffed red peppers for a while and need to liberate some spices from the cupboard. Might go wild with some chicken this evening for tomorrow's lunch.
Senses being assaulted by River City. Mother refuses to put it off and it is seven shades of terrible. Woeful.
I have more work to do this evening.....again. I am heading back to work now.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, salmon, anchovies and salad for lunch, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + couple of teaspoons of sugar free peanut butter
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
Monday, May 30, 2011
Day One Hundred & Twenty Five: Shite
Dear David,
What a day! Not too bad though. The Witch is back in the office, which is nice and I had lunch with the Jag and we vented. Lovely. Boss is definitely right off me and the feeling is mutual. We are sending each other tentative, nice emails (while sitting moments from each other) in an attempt to recapture the love. A few jokes and smiley faces but I think the damage might be done! Roll on July and end of contract.
Company have moved to an outsourced model and want all day rate contractors out by the year end. This means that I am being worked out of a job, or expected to work myself out of a job and some chap from Delhi will be sitting in my seat by the 1st of August. Stuck between a rock and a very hard place. If I don't deliver then I'm shit and I am out of a job and if I do deliver, all the hard bits have been delivered and I'm out of a job.
To top off fantastic week I think my tumour is back. I have got trigeminal neuralgia again and have passed out from the pain in my head six times in the last fourteen days. The residual pain is now actually unbearable. I have the pure white rage and am using every fibre of my body to control it. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I have a pain in my back where my adrenal glands are and that's not good. Got emergency appointment with endocrinologist on Thursday.
Let's just this say that this could potentially be a teeny tiny bit shite.
Kikicee
Monday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken breast, beetroot and salad for lunch, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + couple of teaspoons of sugar free peanut butter
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
What a day! Not too bad though. The Witch is back in the office, which is nice and I had lunch with the Jag and we vented. Lovely. Boss is definitely right off me and the feeling is mutual. We are sending each other tentative, nice emails (while sitting moments from each other) in an attempt to recapture the love. A few jokes and smiley faces but I think the damage might be done! Roll on July and end of contract.
Company have moved to an outsourced model and want all day rate contractors out by the year end. This means that I am being worked out of a job, or expected to work myself out of a job and some chap from Delhi will be sitting in my seat by the 1st of August. Stuck between a rock and a very hard place. If I don't deliver then I'm shit and I am out of a job and if I do deliver, all the hard bits have been delivered and I'm out of a job.
 |
| My brain complete with tumour from last time |
Let's just this say that this could potentially be a teeny tiny bit shite.
Kikicee
Monday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, chicken breast, beetroot and salad for lunch, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + couple of teaspoons of sugar free peanut butter
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. FFS
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Day One Hundred & Nineteen to One Hundred & Twenty Four: Work
Dear David,
I am actually started to get royally pissed off with the amount of work I have and pressure that I am under to meet totally unreasonable deadlines. I have been home at 7pm most evenings this week and have to log in again when I get home and do more. I have tried, rather unsuccessfully, to negotiate more realistic timescales with boss. I hate not meeting a deadline and, while I know I should let the train crash to prove a point, I just can't bring myself to do it.
I made a raft of scones on Wednesday night. I brought into work on Thursday to do my bit for the flagging morale. Emergency scone station was set up in Marketing and emails duly distributed. Scones were 'scone' in about 30 minutes. I really should give up my job and just make scones for a living. I am really hoping I have won euromillions and that I can go in on Monday with my swearing fingers out of my pocket and tell my boss where to shove his job. Emergency Scone Thursday also prompted some strange behaviour. Man, who still has not replied to the lovely, casual email asking him to lunch, sent me an email asking me if I had added more sugar to the scones this time.
Immediate drag and drop to the Ridiculous folder, in the absence of there being a Totally Utterly Fucking Ridiculous folder. Gobsmacked. He did not need to write anything. He then tried to make small talk with me in the afternoon while I tried my best not to reciprocate. Of course, this has made me feel like a terrible person all weekend and I can't stop thinking about what a bitch I am. However, is this not how normal people react? I usually just reply to scone email, make small talk and make it all ok and lovely. God forbid anyone would feel uncomfortable or hurt....but actually what about me? Don't I have a right to be offended, uncomfortable and for someone to make it easy for me??
I am reminded of Dear Deirdre's big ticking clock. Don't have the time to be fannying about fixing people or being nice or making everything just lovely. Fuck it. Could not bring myself, however, to ignore email as I think it is the height of bad manners so emailed back 'Nope' before I left on Friday. This was purely to save myself hours agonising about having been rude to someone.
Went out on Saturday for Sushi and wine. Big cheat and post Italy and sushi I am up 2 pounds. I am sure if I had weighed myself immediately after Italia it would have been 7 pounds so I am glad I waited. Sushi was delicious - I went to Nanakusa and can't rave about it enough. Great sushi place and service is fantastic. Headed over the road to Chinaskis after and had a glass for the road. Chap came over with chair for me as I was stool-less. He went back to his friends. My married friend said that this is where we would go over and chat to them if she was single. WHAT THE FUCK? I would never do this and would never have dreamed that this was what one would do. The man gave me a chair and in my head, that was the end of it. She explained that no, this was the green light to go over and make some conversation. Well who would have thunk it?
As for exercise, I have been lazy all week and have done none. I am now starting to brick it about the Great North Run as I have fallen WAY behind in the running program and am now at risk of not finishing it in time for the half marathan. Shit. I need to get back into this next week as a matter of urgency. I also plan to take this all a bit more seriously from Monday on as I am having regular cheats and this is probably why my weight has totally plateau-ed.
And well that's about it. I am now going to start work (again) to get stuff done for tomorrow. Epically shit.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, turkey and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. oh the shame...
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, turkey and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: The same as Tuesday
Thursday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, salmon and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: You've guessed it....none
Friday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, turkey and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, Chicken Curry (no rice)
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: The theme continues.......yup.....none
Saturday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, tuna salad for lunch, almonds for late afternoon snack,untold amounts of carbohydrate in the form of SUSHI (hurrah) + bottle of wine
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. oh the shame..
Sunday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, tuna salad, almonds for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. oh the shame..
..
I am actually started to get royally pissed off with the amount of work I have and pressure that I am under to meet totally unreasonable deadlines. I have been home at 7pm most evenings this week and have to log in again when I get home and do more. I have tried, rather unsuccessfully, to negotiate more realistic timescales with boss. I hate not meeting a deadline and, while I know I should let the train crash to prove a point, I just can't bring myself to do it.
I made a raft of scones on Wednesday night. I brought into work on Thursday to do my bit for the flagging morale. Emergency scone station was set up in Marketing and emails duly distributed. Scones were 'scone' in about 30 minutes. I really should give up my job and just make scones for a living. I am really hoping I have won euromillions and that I can go in on Monday with my swearing fingers out of my pocket and tell my boss where to shove his job. Emergency Scone Thursday also prompted some strange behaviour. Man, who still has not replied to the lovely, casual email asking him to lunch, sent me an email asking me if I had added more sugar to the scones this time.
Immediate drag and drop to the Ridiculous folder, in the absence of there being a Totally Utterly Fucking Ridiculous folder. Gobsmacked. He did not need to write anything. He then tried to make small talk with me in the afternoon while I tried my best not to reciprocate. Of course, this has made me feel like a terrible person all weekend and I can't stop thinking about what a bitch I am. However, is this not how normal people react? I usually just reply to scone email, make small talk and make it all ok and lovely. God forbid anyone would feel uncomfortable or hurt....but actually what about me? Don't I have a right to be offended, uncomfortable and for someone to make it easy for me??
I am reminded of Dear Deirdre's big ticking clock. Don't have the time to be fannying about fixing people or being nice or making everything just lovely. Fuck it. Could not bring myself, however, to ignore email as I think it is the height of bad manners so emailed back 'Nope' before I left on Friday. This was purely to save myself hours agonising about having been rude to someone.
Went out on Saturday for Sushi and wine. Big cheat and post Italy and sushi I am up 2 pounds. I am sure if I had weighed myself immediately after Italia it would have been 7 pounds so I am glad I waited. Sushi was delicious - I went to Nanakusa and can't rave about it enough. Great sushi place and service is fantastic. Headed over the road to Chinaskis after and had a glass for the road. Chap came over with chair for me as I was stool-less. He went back to his friends. My married friend said that this is where we would go over and chat to them if she was single. WHAT THE FUCK? I would never do this and would never have dreamed that this was what one would do. The man gave me a chair and in my head, that was the end of it. She explained that no, this was the green light to go over and make some conversation. Well who would have thunk it?
As for exercise, I have been lazy all week and have done none. I am now starting to brick it about the Great North Run as I have fallen WAY behind in the running program and am now at risk of not finishing it in time for the half marathan. Shit. I need to get back into this next week as a matter of urgency. I also plan to take this all a bit more seriously from Monday on as I am having regular cheats and this is probably why my weight has totally plateau-ed.
And well that's about it. I am now going to start work (again) to get stuff done for tomorrow. Epically shit.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, turkey and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. oh the shame...
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, turkey and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: The same as Tuesday
Thursday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, salmon and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: You've guessed it....none
Friday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, turkey and veg, can of tuna for late afternoon snack, Chicken Curry (no rice)
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: The theme continues.......yup.....none
Saturday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, tuna salad for lunch, almonds for late afternoon snack,untold amounts of carbohydrate in the form of SUSHI (hurrah) + bottle of wine
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. oh the shame..
Sunday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), almonds for mid morning snack, tuna salad, almonds for late afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: None.. oh the shame..
..
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Day One Hundred & Fifteen to Eighteen: Italia supercheat
Dear David,
Dear, sweet Italia. Flew out on Friday night and arrived in Milano Orio Al Serio and met up with Nina, John, Wendy, Wesley and the unstoppable Rita. Rita is a friend of the family, woman of a certain age and quite a character. We all headed in hired van to Fidenza but made the necessary stop in the Autogrill. Autogrill is a road side service station but not as we know it. It's also used as the place to go after a night's drinking for food. Given that most of the clubs are out of town in Italy and everyone drink drives, you basically head back home via an Autogrill. Ligabue summs it up in the song Certe Notti.
Certe notti fai un po' di cagnara che sentano che non cambierai più.
Certain nights you make a bit of uproar so those nights feel that you'll never change
Quelle notti fra cosce e zanzare e nebbia e locali a cui dai del tu.
Those nights between thighs and mosquitos and fog and bars where they know your name
Certe notti c'hai qualche ferita che qualche tua amica disinfetterà .
Certain nights you have some wound that one of your girlfriends will disinfect
Certe notti coi bar che son chiusi al primo autogrill c'è chi festeggerà .
Certain nights with that bars that closed, at the first autogrill there is someone who will celebrate
Autogrill also has some cracking sweeties and I had my pick of all the liquorice goodness I could get my hands on. Big bag of Sacla and a pack of pure liquorice. Yum. There was also no need to share as there are only about five other people on the planet who like liquorice and they never seem to be present when I have some. Bliss.
Rita, the grand old dame, started regaling us with stories. These are not stories but epics and they ramble through countries, years and many, many people. They are all true but are so amazing they start to feel like they have the element of untruth. We had many a debate about the percentage of embellishment in Rita's stories. One started with 'When I was driving this SAS officer to his wedding'. There was one about being at Omar Sharif's house and many stories about her time in Tripoli.
John was on Rita duty and we chatted or dozed before we arrived at Gab's house and kissed, hugged and deposited Rita before going to the hotel to check in. Hotel was an Italian hotel, which means it was pretty crap and all the rooms smelt of feet, coffee and cigarette smoke. I had opted for the suite and it was just bigger than the other room but equally as crappy. Clean though and not much to complain about. Slumped into bed and slept like a baby...after eating a bag of Fonzies. These are Italian wotsits. Epic.
Awoke the next morning with some Fonzie crumbs to keep me company. Headed down for breakfast where coffee was being served by what can only be described as an 80's crack whore. A slightly spaced out, crabbit young girl who was dreadfully thin, wearing white leggings, white shoes, a tiny pink skirt and pink vest, fluro pink earings and very, very big hair. Breakfast was seven shades of dreadful so just asked the crack whore for green tea, downed it and headed to the nearest bar with Nina and cousin Steve who had arrived the night before. A green tea and thermobubbles but the side order was a piadina with crudo and mozzarella. Delicious.
Bit of shopping in Fidenza and purchases of nail varnish and cheese. W & W and I then headed into Parma. I used to live in Parma and this is where Gab and I met in 2000 when we were teaching English and then subsequently both got other jobs. I was there for about three years and loved it.
I went round my old hauts and old house. I went to Caffe Orientale and had salad and a good few spritzes (campari and champagne). I also had to go shopping as the temperature in Italy was about 16/17 degrees when I checked a week before I left but the temperature in the few days before I left had gone to heat wave proportions and was at an uncharacteristically high 35 degrees for May. I had nothing really that suitable and had to go buy something to wear that was more suited to the dreadfully humid and hot weather.
Things I hate about Italy - buying clothes. It is nigh on impossible to buy anything above a size twelve. There is also nothing more demoralising after losing 3 stone and being able to get into a size 14 than skulking about in the fat lady area in H&M. Gab knows the manager and she refuses to stock anything above a size 12 but H&M make her have the Taglie Forte section and it starts at a size 20. I bought a huge blue shirt and a pair of leggings. Girl in front of me in queue was covered in the downy fluff of anorexia as she bought size 6 hotpants. Either on the chew and spit diet, full blown anorexia or abusing laxatives - all favourites of italian women, as we found out when we first arrived and realised we were the only women horsing wine and pizza at dinner. Dreadful.
We headed out to dinner on Saturday evening and went to a pizzeria. Beautiful place. I had salad nicoise for lunch a few biccies but I had a final flourish at dinner. I started with Tortelli di Zucca; pumpkin Tortelli filled with pumkin. I then had pizza with cream of pumpkin, mozzarella, red onion and red pepper. I did not manage to finish it but got a doggy bag. Finished with panna cotta with caramel sauce and had copious amount of wine. Delicious.
We continued to drink back in Fidenza into the wee small hours and headed back to the hotel about 2am. Up early the next day for the christening and I was feeling a bit off but nothing serious. The same cannot be said of the rest of our troupe. Christening of lovely baby Oscar started and moments later cousin Steve left the church and then hit the deck. Panic ensued as the Italians who saw him faint ran out and failed to revive him. Steve's legs were thrown into the air, a crowd formed and he awoke to a babble of Italian voices in various states of panic. He also managed to rip the arse out of his trousers.
Steve sat in the van for the rest of the christening, nursing a hangover and his dignity. The christening continued and the service was lovely. The priest's sermon was very moving and he spoke at length about how the trappings of modern life were not really what life was about. He spoke about how politics, economics were merely products of society but that this was not our destiny. Our destiny was to become good people and live with faith and that everything else was incidental. As Italy is in the throes of economic meltdown, this was as moving as it was relevant.
Baby was duly dunked and we renounced Satan and all his works. Pictures followed and usual Italian rabble and clamour for the baby ensued. Gab was forced into the background as generation of matriachs trampled over her and grabbed her children. Eventually we got together and got some photos and then headed to the bar for breakfast. Lovely big custard filled croissant and a green tea.
Off to Gab's for the barbeque. Spread was fantastic and ranged from quiche, cheese, crudo, salami, cakes, crisps, tartine and lots and lots of meat. I had to change into my blue shirt, or tent, and the leggings. I had the look of someone about to give a class in expressive dance and was put in mind of a Julie Walters and Victoria Wood style sketch. It was roasting, so incredibly roasting. We sheltered, nae cowered from the heat and persuaded Umbi to put the padding pool in the garden for the children.....
Alex, Gab's youngest boy, stripped off and jumped in paddling pool, followed by 5 sets of adult feet as we tried desperately to cool down. Played a lot with Alex and I had a chance to get to know him. A lovely little boy, a little prince. He is full of energy and full of fun. We played at paddling pool, cars, rugby and it culminated in his bath and bedtime story. Oscar was really full of tears all day - too many people and just too bloody warm.
We ate, drank and were merry but sweaty until late and then headed back to hotel. Off to bed after a quick nightcap of a Negroni. Woke up early the next morning but made myself stay in bed until 9am before packing and then checking out. Breakfast of a piadina and then off to Gab's for some leftovers lunch. We waved Steve off and then we headed to the outlet at Fidenza for some designer bargains. I got D&G belt for £50 reduced from £300 and a Cocinelle bag reduced from £300 to £170. I got another bag which I am going to give my sister for her birthday next month and I also had the best green tea ever. It came in the most beautiful pyramid shaped box with a little green leaf at the top. I had to stop myself from taking it home and hording it.
Back to Gab's and mooched about for a while before heading to airport for very delayed flight. Got home about 4am instead of 11pm and had to mail in and tell boss I wouldn't be in until 12.30.
Has been the most tiring day, topped off with a meeting that overran and meant I missed bus and spent three hours getting home. Got home at 9pm and feel a bit teary with the stress of it all. Argued with boss over timescales and deadlines today and have another month ahead of me that will mean late nights and a lot more work than one person can deal with. He's not listening to me or he is and he does not give a damn. Either way I think its time for another job.
More on Italia and musings on Italia tomorrow. Back to detailing food from today and weigh in at end of week. Can't face it at the moment and know a few days of being good should undo the damage I have done in Italia!
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), tuna and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Dear, sweet Italia. Flew out on Friday night and arrived in Milano Orio Al Serio and met up with Nina, John, Wendy, Wesley and the unstoppable Rita. Rita is a friend of the family, woman of a certain age and quite a character. We all headed in hired van to Fidenza but made the necessary stop in the Autogrill. Autogrill is a road side service station but not as we know it. It's also used as the place to go after a night's drinking for food. Given that most of the clubs are out of town in Italy and everyone drink drives, you basically head back home via an Autogrill. Ligabue summs it up in the song Certe Notti.
Certe notti fai un po' di cagnara che sentano che non cambierai più.
Certain nights you make a bit of uproar so those nights feel that you'll never change
Quelle notti fra cosce e zanzare e nebbia e locali a cui dai del tu.
Those nights between thighs and mosquitos and fog and bars where they know your name
Certe notti c'hai qualche ferita che qualche tua amica disinfetterà .
Certain nights you have some wound that one of your girlfriends will disinfect
Certe notti coi bar che son chiusi al primo autogrill c'è chi festeggerà .
Certain nights with that bars that closed, at the first autogrill there is someone who will celebrate
Autogrill also has some cracking sweeties and I had my pick of all the liquorice goodness I could get my hands on. Big bag of Sacla and a pack of pure liquorice. Yum. There was also no need to share as there are only about five other people on the planet who like liquorice and they never seem to be present when I have some. Bliss.
 |
| Nina and John |
 |
| The star of the show: Baby Oscar |
Awoke the next morning with some Fonzie crumbs to keep me company. Headed down for breakfast where coffee was being served by what can only be described as an 80's crack whore. A slightly spaced out, crabbit young girl who was dreadfully thin, wearing white leggings, white shoes, a tiny pink skirt and pink vest, fluro pink earings and very, very big hair. Breakfast was seven shades of dreadful so just asked the crack whore for green tea, downed it and headed to the nearest bar with Nina and cousin Steve who had arrived the night before. A green tea and thermobubbles but the side order was a piadina with crudo and mozzarella. Delicious.
 |
| Tortelli di Zucca |
Bit of shopping in Fidenza and purchases of nail varnish and cheese. W & W and I then headed into Parma. I used to live in Parma and this is where Gab and I met in 2000 when we were teaching English and then subsequently both got other jobs. I was there for about three years and loved it.
I went round my old hauts and old house. I went to Caffe Orientale and had salad and a good few spritzes (campari and champagne). I also had to go shopping as the temperature in Italy was about 16/17 degrees when I checked a week before I left but the temperature in the few days before I left had gone to heat wave proportions and was at an uncharacteristically high 35 degrees for May. I had nothing really that suitable and had to go buy something to wear that was more suited to the dreadfully humid and hot weather.
Things I hate about Italy - buying clothes. It is nigh on impossible to buy anything above a size twelve. There is also nothing more demoralising after losing 3 stone and being able to get into a size 14 than skulking about in the fat lady area in H&M. Gab knows the manager and she refuses to stock anything above a size 12 but H&M make her have the Taglie Forte section and it starts at a size 20. I bought a huge blue shirt and a pair of leggings. Girl in front of me in queue was covered in the downy fluff of anorexia as she bought size 6 hotpants. Either on the chew and spit diet, full blown anorexia or abusing laxatives - all favourites of italian women, as we found out when we first arrived and realised we were the only women horsing wine and pizza at dinner. Dreadful. |
| Pizza and a disgruntled looking Rita |
 |
| Lovely church in Fornio |
Steve sat in the van for the rest of the christening, nursing a hangover and his dignity. The christening continued and the service was lovely. The priest's sermon was very moving and he spoke at length about how the trappings of modern life were not really what life was about. He spoke about how politics, economics were merely products of society but that this was not our destiny. Our destiny was to become good people and live with faith and that everything else was incidental. As Italy is in the throes of economic meltdown, this was as moving as it was relevant.
 |
| Some of the crew post christening |
Baby was duly dunked and we renounced Satan and all his works. Pictures followed and usual Italian rabble and clamour for the baby ensued. Gab was forced into the background as generation of matriachs trampled over her and grabbed her children. Eventually we got together and got some photos and then headed to the bar for breakfast. Lovely big custard filled croissant and a green tea.
Off to Gab's for the barbeque. Spread was fantastic and ranged from quiche, cheese, crudo, salami, cakes, crisps, tartine and lots and lots of meat. I had to change into my blue shirt, or tent, and the leggings. I had the look of someone about to give a class in expressive dance and was put in mind of a Julie Walters and Victoria Wood style sketch. It was roasting, so incredibly roasting. We sheltered, nae cowered from the heat and persuaded Umbi to put the padding pool in the garden for the children.....
Alex, Gab's youngest boy, stripped off and jumped in paddling pool, followed by 5 sets of adult feet as we tried desperately to cool down. Played a lot with Alex and I had a chance to get to know him. A lovely little boy, a little prince. He is full of energy and full of fun. We played at paddling pool, cars, rugby and it culminated in his bath and bedtime story. Oscar was really full of tears all day - too many people and just too bloody warm.
 |
| Wendy and Wes on hearing news Celtic had won the Cup |
Back to Gab's and mooched about for a while before heading to airport for very delayed flight. Got home about 4am instead of 11pm and had to mail in and tell boss I wouldn't be in until 12.30.
Has been the most tiring day, topped off with a meeting that overran and meant I missed bus and spent three hours getting home. Got home at 9pm and feel a bit teary with the stress of it all. Argued with boss over timescales and deadlines today and have another month ahead of me that will mean late nights and a lot more work than one person can deal with. He's not listening to me or he is and he does not give a damn. Either way I think its time for another job.
More on Italia and musings on Italia tomorrow. Back to detailing food from today and weigh in at end of week. Can't face it at the moment and know a few days of being good should undo the damage I have done in Italia!
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), tuna and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day One Hundred & Fourteen: Italia
Dear David,
I'm in Italia! It's like coming home - kissed the ground at Milano Bergamo and have started forgetting English words completely!
You'll be disgusted with me this weekend. Just stopped at Autogrill. This is like Little Chef or other chains of roadside service stations. In Italy, however, they are pure class. Got HUGE bag of sacla sweets. It's murder getting anything flavoured with liquorice in the UK. In Italy, liquorice is rife.
Check out the marvels!!!
Kikicee
I'm in Italia! It's like coming home - kissed the ground at Milano Bergamo and have started forgetting English words completely!
You'll be disgusted with me this weekend. Just stopped at Autogrill. This is like Little Chef or other chains of roadside service stations. In Italy, however, they are pure class. Got HUGE bag of sacla sweets. It's murder getting anything flavoured with liquorice in the UK. In Italy, liquorice is rife.
Check out the marvels!!!
Kikicee
Day One Hundred & Ten to Day One Hundred & Fourteen: Dreadfully remiss
Dear David,
This has been undoubtedly the most hellish week at work.
The Jag sparked my renewed vigour for posting. I am heading off on holiday today so there may not be a peep out of me for the next few days. Off to christening in Italy and can't bloody wait.
I asked man for lunch. Thought it was a chilled email but, as anticipated, he has not replied. Two mails before this, then I asked and then the conversation stopped. Once was understandable, and perhaps even forgivable. Twice is simply shitty. On the plus side, I'm up 10 points on the Subo scale. I made casual offer, he ignored it. This makes him an idiot. I was tempted to reply with potential responses that adults send as part of his personal and social development and so he is not as ignorant to people in the future. e.g
1. Love to
2. Can't next week, some other time
3. Ask about where I am off to, ignore lunch question (one would get the hint)
However, man is just that. A man. And a good age too. If he's that ignorant at his age then it's ingrained.
I'm feeling too happy and looking to good to let this affect me now. Not that it ever bloody should but you live, you learn.
On train to Prestwick at the moment and am just bursting with excitement. I am, however, missing the Jag in her new Cos trousers. Like all good addicts, I like to get other people hooked too.
I won't bore you with what I ate all week but I was wonderfully good, went running only twice but that's me back into it. I went a different route. Man assured me there were no bears down the underpass and that I should go running there and make my way to the canal.
Epic fail. Lots of it up hill, gravel path, hundreds of the biggest and ugliest flying insects you have ever seen and took wrong turn and ended up on a motorway. Dreadful.
Man showed me where I should have gone. I might tell him where he should go when I see him next! Except I won't because I'm either too demure or too chicken shit. Think it is the latter and not the former.
Re Subo scale though, it's actually worse asking someone for lunch when you are just 'not bovvered' and they don't reply. I mean, at the end of day, that is someone telling you they don't even want to be a work friend or get to know anything about you. Mind you taking this one on the chin.
I was so good this week especially because I will be grubbing it in Italy this weekend. I'm not going to be terrible but I have a date with some starchy, buttery, cheesy goodness - all washed down with wine.
I will update on my return but expect a very different listing for food consumed than the usual offering.
Food intake predicted for the weekend:
Pizzas: 1
Butter-rich pasta dishes: 2
Wine: 3 bottles
And that's just Saturday...
Kikicee
This has been undoubtedly the most hellish week at work.
The Jag sparked my renewed vigour for posting. I am heading off on holiday today so there may not be a peep out of me for the next few days. Off to christening in Italy and can't bloody wait.
I asked man for lunch. Thought it was a chilled email but, as anticipated, he has not replied. Two mails before this, then I asked and then the conversation stopped. Once was understandable, and perhaps even forgivable. Twice is simply shitty. On the plus side, I'm up 10 points on the Subo scale. I made casual offer, he ignored it. This makes him an idiot. I was tempted to reply with potential responses that adults send as part of his personal and social development and so he is not as ignorant to people in the future. e.g
1. Love to
2. Can't next week, some other time
3. Ask about where I am off to, ignore lunch question (one would get the hint)
However, man is just that. A man. And a good age too. If he's that ignorant at his age then it's ingrained.
I'm feeling too happy and looking to good to let this affect me now. Not that it ever bloody should but you live, you learn.
On train to Prestwick at the moment and am just bursting with excitement. I am, however, missing the Jag in her new Cos trousers. Like all good addicts, I like to get other people hooked too.
I won't bore you with what I ate all week but I was wonderfully good, went running only twice but that's me back into it. I went a different route. Man assured me there were no bears down the underpass and that I should go running there and make my way to the canal.
Epic fail. Lots of it up hill, gravel path, hundreds of the biggest and ugliest flying insects you have ever seen and took wrong turn and ended up on a motorway. Dreadful.
Man showed me where I should have gone. I might tell him where he should go when I see him next! Except I won't because I'm either too demure or too chicken shit. Think it is the latter and not the former.
Re Subo scale though, it's actually worse asking someone for lunch when you are just 'not bovvered' and they don't reply. I mean, at the end of day, that is someone telling you they don't even want to be a work friend or get to know anything about you. Mind you taking this one on the chin.
I was so good this week especially because I will be grubbing it in Italy this weekend. I'm not going to be terrible but I have a date with some starchy, buttery, cheesy goodness - all washed down with wine.
I will update on my return but expect a very different listing for food consumed than the usual offering.
Food intake predicted for the weekend:
Pizzas: 1
Butter-rich pasta dishes: 2
Wine: 3 bottles
And that's just Saturday...
Kikicee
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Day One Hundred & Six to Day One Hundred & Nine:
Dear David,
Not too bad a weekend and I am trying to feel positive about the week ahead at work. I went to get hair cut even shorter on Saturday and got some things for going to Italy on Friday. I headed off to friend's farm in the evening and we had a great time. Lambs are all born now and were frolicking as only lambs can. Kept on detox diet for the last three days as will be back to 5 meals a day on Monday. Really need to do some exercise this week.
Going to get some stuff done for the office before tomorrow.
Kikicee
Friday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Saturday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Sunday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Not too bad a weekend and I am trying to feel positive about the week ahead at work. I went to get hair cut even shorter on Saturday and got some things for going to Italy on Friday. I headed off to friend's farm in the evening and we had a great time. Lambs are all born now and were frolicking as only lambs can. Kept on detox diet for the last three days as will be back to 5 meals a day on Monday. Really need to do some exercise this week.
Going to get some stuff done for the office before tomorrow.
Kikicee
Friday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Saturday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Sunday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Day One Hundred & Five: Very, very tired and very, very emotional
Dear David,
Yet more no exercise and I'm not impressed with myself but today was pretty terrible. I had back to back meetings, documents to write and edit and have been gifted with two resources who are nothing short of dreadful. This is somewhat a first impression and I could be proved wrong. However, one seems crazy, like proper unhinged and the other is one of those chaps that thinks he does not know anything because you are not telling him or you have hidden it from him. He actually asked me how I learned what I know about the project today, implied I was on some secret training course and looked suspicious when I said 'I read stuff and listened'. I gave him a whole list of documents to read and took time to take him through them, which was over and above the call of duty. It does not look like this is going to shape up well but I really am holding out so much hope that everything works out for the best.
I had the most hellish meeting today and, after it, had a meeting with my boss to discuss some project stuff and I started crying, choking them back but actually tears streaming down my face. Granted I am definitely premenstrual but that is the first time that has ever happened to me at work. I asked him what I need to say or do to communicate effectively that I was overallocated in such a way that he would do something about it. I reminded him that this project was not a one-woman roadshow.
I get the impression that we are moving to the 'offshore' model and that they are riding me like a horse til my contract finishes. Cruelty to contractors, I think this is called.
I obviously did not go running today as I did not have a minute spare. I got home about 8pm as the bus was late. I am tired and I am going to bed.
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: Detox shot, protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Kikicee
Yet more no exercise and I'm not impressed with myself but today was pretty terrible. I had back to back meetings, documents to write and edit and have been gifted with two resources who are nothing short of dreadful. This is somewhat a first impression and I could be proved wrong. However, one seems crazy, like proper unhinged and the other is one of those chaps that thinks he does not know anything because you are not telling him or you have hidden it from him. He actually asked me how I learned what I know about the project today, implied I was on some secret training course and looked suspicious when I said 'I read stuff and listened'. I gave him a whole list of documents to read and took time to take him through them, which was over and above the call of duty. It does not look like this is going to shape up well but I really am holding out so much hope that everything works out for the best.
I had the most hellish meeting today and, after it, had a meeting with my boss to discuss some project stuff and I started crying, choking them back but actually tears streaming down my face. Granted I am definitely premenstrual but that is the first time that has ever happened to me at work. I asked him what I need to say or do to communicate effectively that I was overallocated in such a way that he would do something about it. I reminded him that this project was not a one-woman roadshow.
I get the impression that we are moving to the 'offshore' model and that they are riding me like a horse til my contract finishes. Cruelty to contractors, I think this is called.
I obviously did not go running today as I did not have a minute spare. I got home about 8pm as the bus was late. I am tired and I am going to bed.
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: Detox shot, protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Kikicee
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Day One Hundred & Four: Frazzled!
Dear David,
I had no time to get used to new desk today as I was never at it. Workshops, meetings, speedy write-ups in the middle! Tired, tired, tired.
No exercise again and need to run tomorrow. It's on, on, on.
More tomorrow - off for shower and early bed.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: Detox shot, protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Kikicee
I had no time to get used to new desk today as I was never at it. Workshops, meetings, speedy write-ups in the middle! Tired, tired, tired.
No exercise again and need to run tomorrow. It's on, on, on.
More tomorrow - off for shower and early bed.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: Detox shot, protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Kikicee
Monday, May 9, 2011
Day One Hundred & Three: A new beginning (again)
Dear David,
Right so 39 pounds down which equates to 4.3 ladies. Let's take some off...
I have 81 pounds to lose so that's 42 pounds to go which means I am nearly half way there and it has only been three and a half months.
Let's now focus on some more positives. My starting stats were as follows;
Bust : 43"
Waist : 39.5"
Hips: 47"
These have now reduced to:
Bust : 38"
Waist : 32"
Hips: 42"
That's a total inch loss of 17.5 inches. Still decidely hippy but more running this week and get the ass moving. It's on. It's totally on. I don't why I have lost the plot so badly over the last couple of weeks. It's been tougher and tougher getting back on the wagon.
Saturday was probably the drunkest I have ever been in my life. It was the first alcohol induced blackout I have ever had and also managed to come home with one shoe. We found it in the garden when I came home from work today. Far from epic.
The drinking on Thursday started the very steady decline. Thursday was actually hilarious though. There is nothing funnier than watching other people get more drunk and more badly behaved than you. Roles were pretty much reversed on Saturday...
Moved on from all my crushes, likes and attempts at being normal. I think SUBO is the way forward. I am booking slot on Britain's Got Talent now. At least I will be minted in my old age. Plus without the daily support of Dear Deirdre and the Jag, I definitely cannot be trusted to make rational decisions on my own!
I had to move chair to Shiteville today and it was a sad, sad day. I actually felt a bit teary. I HATE my new desk. Company does not seem to be shaping up well and shock, horror at big glasses was disproportionate to even their size. I should not have gone to Specsavers but should have brought a subscription to Cosmo and a baseball bat for the unfashionable, unoriginal few.
I am going to miss Dear Deirdre, the Jag, the Rey, the Witch and Yorkie. It's going to be dreadful, totally dreadful. I am trying to be positive but it's too sad. The Witch was joking today and I really could not even laugh at the tragedy that was befalling me. Heartbreak.
I will stay positive, stay focused and run tomorrow to cheer myself up.
It's time for GLEE!
Kikicee
Monday
Food: Detox shot, protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Right so 39 pounds down which equates to 4.3 ladies. Let's take some off...
Let's now focus on some more positives. My starting stats were as follows;
Bust : 43"
Waist : 39.5"
Hips: 47"
These have now reduced to:
Bust : 38"
Waist : 32"
Hips: 42"
That's a total inch loss of 17.5 inches. Still decidely hippy but more running this week and get the ass moving. It's on. It's totally on. I don't why I have lost the plot so badly over the last couple of weeks. It's been tougher and tougher getting back on the wagon.
Saturday was probably the drunkest I have ever been in my life. It was the first alcohol induced blackout I have ever had and also managed to come home with one shoe. We found it in the garden when I came home from work today. Far from epic.
The drinking on Thursday started the very steady decline. Thursday was actually hilarious though. There is nothing funnier than watching other people get more drunk and more badly behaved than you. Roles were pretty much reversed on Saturday...
Moved on from all my crushes, likes and attempts at being normal. I think SUBO is the way forward. I am booking slot on Britain's Got Talent now. At least I will be minted in my old age. Plus without the daily support of Dear Deirdre and the Jag, I definitely cannot be trusted to make rational decisions on my own!
I had to move chair to Shiteville today and it was a sad, sad day. I actually felt a bit teary. I HATE my new desk. Company does not seem to be shaping up well and shock, horror at big glasses was disproportionate to even their size. I should not have gone to Specsavers but should have brought a subscription to Cosmo and a baseball bat for the unfashionable, unoriginal few.
I am going to miss Dear Deirdre, the Jag, the Rey, the Witch and Yorkie. It's going to be dreadful, totally dreadful. I am trying to be positive but it's too sad. The Witch was joking today and I really could not even laugh at the tragedy that was befalling me. Heartbreak.
I will stay positive, stay focused and run tomorrow to cheer myself up.
It's time for GLEE!
Kikicee
Monday
Food: Detox shot, protein shake (Vanilla), turkey and salad, protein shake (Vanilla) for lunch
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: No exercise....poor show...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Day Ninety Seven to Day One Hundred and Two: More epic failing
Dear David,
This week has been so stressful. Document finally handed in on Thursday - 4 days late. I have another one to had in on Monday and it 6 days late. I have worked really long hours and I have not been running once. I have not updated blog, I have not had one good night's sleep and I am totally exhausted.
I did the 5 day detox and was fine until Thursday but I went out with work peeps and had some vodkas. Well, quite a few actually. I had funeral on Friday and it was most upsetting. I just ate whatever was put in front of me and had cakes, bakes and the like. I drank on Saturday and I really went all out. I got totally hammered.
This is now over. I have to start back on this again and stop being an arse. I have another 5 day detox kit and am starting again (for the second time) on Monday. I need to get back to running program and stop kidding myself on.
I'll weigh in and measure in tomorrow.
Kikicee
This week has been so stressful. Document finally handed in on Thursday - 4 days late. I have another one to had in on Monday and it 6 days late. I have worked really long hours and I have not been running once. I have not updated blog, I have not had one good night's sleep and I am totally exhausted.
I did the 5 day detox and was fine until Thursday but I went out with work peeps and had some vodkas. Well, quite a few actually. I had funeral on Friday and it was most upsetting. I just ate whatever was put in front of me and had cakes, bakes and the like. I drank on Saturday and I really went all out. I got totally hammered.
This is now over. I have to start back on this again and stop being an arse. I have another 5 day detox kit and am starting again (for the second time) on Monday. I need to get back to running program and stop kidding myself on.
I'll weigh in and measure in tomorrow.
Kikicee
Monday, May 2, 2011
Day Ninety Four to Ninety Six: Epic Fail
Dear David,
What a weekend! I headed out of work frazzled on Thursday and was up early on Friday morning. I watched some of the Royal Wedding while getting reading to head out and meet a couple of girls with whom I went to school. We went to Amore in the Merchant City and I was very, very good and then, almost immediately after, I was very, very bad. I had sea bass with a green salad. I finished lunch with two Margaritas.
Lunch was great and the conversation sparkling. When I say sparkling, it had a grim hue as we did the run through of ‘Where are they now?’ about people, we knew from school. I headed off about 3.30pm, rather inebriated; it has to be said, towards the shops with credit card in hand. Are you sensing that this does not end well? Well, you would be right.
I became a magician, a drunk magician. I made a small fortune disappear in Cos, Hobbs and Space N.K. Just like that.
I had a top up of a little glass of champagne in Rogano and headed home. Lord and Lady were out for the night and I ordered in an Indian meal and, by the time it arrived, I had a bottle of wine opened that did not have Sancerre on it. It had MY name on it.
I watched a couple of movies and then got a most upsetting call. My best friend’s dad died rather suddenly. I am simply heartbroken for her. I tootled off to bed, rather drunk and a bit teary.
I got up early on Saturday morning and headed into town to be shorn. I have been trying to grow my hair for the wedding and I cannot take one more minute of it. I have had very short hair for years, it has reached that in-between stage now, and it is hideous. I opted for ‘as short as you can make it’ and the hairdresser did not disappoint. In fact, he was rather too enthusiastic and I now look like a boy with breasts. It is not the best haircut I have ever had but the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is a week.
I shopped some more on Saturday but was rather more restrained than Friday. I headed back home and went to see my friend’s mum. The whole family were round and people were dropping in, one after another. Cakes were passed round and I don’t know what happened but two pieces of rocky road and a piece of malteser cake happened to find their way into my mouth.
Dinner was pie and beans. This theme of gorging continued well into Sunday where I ended the evening on a high with fish and chips and ice cream. I did no exercise at all. I pottered about in the garden and planted up a few planters with plants I got in the afternoon. They did look positively lovely.
I have started the 5 day detox today. I have very successfully retoxed so I am ready. I am not even going to detail what I ate over the weekend because it’s actually disgraceful. Short version: A load of shite and no exercise.
It’s GLEE tonight. I will be up until all hours trying to get this, now very late, document handed in tomorrow.
Kikicee
What a weekend! I headed out of work frazzled on Thursday and was up early on Friday morning. I watched some of the Royal Wedding while getting reading to head out and meet a couple of girls with whom I went to school. We went to Amore in the Merchant City and I was very, very good and then, almost immediately after, I was very, very bad. I had sea bass with a green salad. I finished lunch with two Margaritas.
Lunch was great and the conversation sparkling. When I say sparkling, it had a grim hue as we did the run through of ‘Where are they now?’ about people, we knew from school. I headed off about 3.30pm, rather inebriated; it has to be said, towards the shops with credit card in hand. Are you sensing that this does not end well? Well, you would be right.
I became a magician, a drunk magician. I made a small fortune disappear in Cos, Hobbs and Space N.K. Just like that.
I had a top up of a little glass of champagne in Rogano and headed home. Lord and Lady were out for the night and I ordered in an Indian meal and, by the time it arrived, I had a bottle of wine opened that did not have Sancerre on it. It had MY name on it.
I watched a couple of movies and then got a most upsetting call. My best friend’s dad died rather suddenly. I am simply heartbroken for her. I tootled off to bed, rather drunk and a bit teary.
I got up early on Saturday morning and headed into town to be shorn. I have been trying to grow my hair for the wedding and I cannot take one more minute of it. I have had very short hair for years, it has reached that in-between stage now, and it is hideous. I opted for ‘as short as you can make it’ and the hairdresser did not disappoint. In fact, he was rather too enthusiastic and I now look like a boy with breasts. It is not the best haircut I have ever had but the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is a week.
I shopped some more on Saturday but was rather more restrained than Friday. I headed back home and went to see my friend’s mum. The whole family were round and people were dropping in, one after another. Cakes were passed round and I don’t know what happened but two pieces of rocky road and a piece of malteser cake happened to find their way into my mouth.
Dinner was pie and beans. This theme of gorging continued well into Sunday where I ended the evening on a high with fish and chips and ice cream. I did no exercise at all. I pottered about in the garden and planted up a few planters with plants I got in the afternoon. They did look positively lovely.
I have started the 5 day detox today. I have very successfully retoxed so I am ready. I am not even going to detail what I ate over the weekend because it’s actually disgraceful. Short version: A load of shite and no exercise.
It’s GLEE tonight. I will be up until all hours trying to get this, now very late, document handed in tomorrow.
Kikicee
Friday, April 29, 2011
Day Ninety Two: Path to Happiness
Dear David,
Dear Deirdre has worked hard on me today. Instead of having dealt with the rejection and moved on, I was initially most philosophical but three days in a hotel and 12 hour days at work have given me a lot of time to dwell and stew on this. I started with nonchalance, peppered with a little anger. I then moved on to self pity and self loathing.
Deirdre has spent today trying to explain how to move on and why I should move on. We developed another model. It is called 'How to get on the path of least resistance or the road to happiness'.
It goes something like this. Lady asks man out and man rejects her. She has three options.
What we can surmise is the the following. The shortest, quickest and path of least resistance is to move on.
Dear Deirdre made me put in the clock as he thought it was a potent reminder that I am getting older and that I should stop fannying about immediately.
Dear Deirdre also pointed out that the way that I asked him for a drink was not dreadfully explicit. He tried to explain his lack of reponse to me. It was one of the following options;
The original model is shown below.
I saw man today. I talked like a train AT him and was so uncomfortable that I swore like a trooper. I then spent all afternoon cross referencing my requirements document with FSA policy statements and dwelling on how horrible, terrible and awful I must be.That's terrible, isn't it?! I despaired that I was brash, foul mouthed, loud yet at the same time shy and awkward. Oh and fat, how terribly, terribly fat.
To further compound matters, I have to move desk. I got confirmation today. I have to move round to the Corner of Depression, Shiteville or the Dark Place. I have not decided on a name which aptly describes the dreadful atmosphere round where my new desk will be. It is however a good desk. It's a corner desk, lots of space, at the window and screen not in view of a soul. This will not make up for the diabolical atmosphere.
Boss assures me that I bring fun wherever I go and that I can make my own fun but I am going to miss Jag and Deirdre terribly. I just cannot bear the thought of not seeing them every day at such close quarters. It will be woeful.
The model is helping with the man stuff though. Path of least resistance has been choosen. I am reading 'Oh the Places You'll Go' by Dr Seuss this evening. It's the only self-help book anyone will ever need. Text below.
Dreadfully wicked today. I had a boost bar about 4pm in a moment of depravity. I have the Oompa Loompas on speed dial. I am starting afresh on Wednesday when my 5 day detox kit arrives and I start all over again. I feel like I need a fresh start. I have brains in my head and feet in my shoes and I can steer myself in any direction I choose. I choose HAPPINESS!
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
Thursday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, frittata and salad for lunch, 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter and small piece of steamed salmon for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + a Boost chocolate bar (why?)
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: RUNNING WEEK 4 DAY 2 (C25k app)
Dear Deirdre has worked hard on me today. Instead of having dealt with the rejection and moved on, I was initially most philosophical but three days in a hotel and 12 hour days at work have given me a lot of time to dwell and stew on this. I started with nonchalance, peppered with a little anger. I then moved on to self pity and self loathing.
Deirdre has spent today trying to explain how to move on and why I should move on. We developed another model. It is called 'How to get on the path of least resistance or the road to happiness'.
It goes something like this. Lady asks man out and man rejects her. She has three options.
- She can dwell on it and continue down the road of abject misery
- She can move on and go onto the highway of happiness
- She can try to ask again
What we can surmise is the the following. The shortest, quickest and path of least resistance is to move on.
Dear Deirdre made me put in the clock as he thought it was a potent reminder that I am getting older and that I should stop fannying about immediately.
Dear Deirdre also pointed out that the way that I asked him for a drink was not dreadfully explicit. He tried to explain his lack of reponse to me. It was one of the following options;
- He did not understand what I meant because it was too subtle
- He did understand what I meant and just ignored it
- He did understand what I meant and ignored it because he did not know how to say no
- He did not understand what I meant because it was too subtle = He is thick
- He did understand what I meant and just ignored it = He is an arse
- He did understand what I meant and ignored it because he did not know how to say no = He is spineless
The original model is shown below.
I saw man today. I talked like a train AT him and was so uncomfortable that I swore like a trooper. I then spent all afternoon cross referencing my requirements document with FSA policy statements and dwelling on how horrible, terrible and awful I must be.That's terrible, isn't it?! I despaired that I was brash, foul mouthed, loud yet at the same time shy and awkward. Oh and fat, how terribly, terribly fat.
To further compound matters, I have to move desk. I got confirmation today. I have to move round to the Corner of Depression, Shiteville or the Dark Place. I have not decided on a name which aptly describes the dreadful atmosphere round where my new desk will be. It is however a good desk. It's a corner desk, lots of space, at the window and screen not in view of a soul. This will not make up for the diabolical atmosphere.
Boss assures me that I bring fun wherever I go and that I can make my own fun but I am going to miss Jag and Deirdre terribly. I just cannot bear the thought of not seeing them every day at such close quarters. It will be woeful.
The model is helping with the man stuff though. Path of least resistance has been choosen. I am reading 'Oh the Places You'll Go' by Dr Seuss this evening. It's the only self-help book anyone will ever need. Text below.
Dreadfully wicked today. I had a boost bar about 4pm in a moment of depravity. I have the Oompa Loompas on speed dial. I am starting afresh on Wednesday when my 5 day detox kit arrives and I start all over again. I feel like I need a fresh start. I have brains in my head and feet in my shoes and I can steer myself in any direction I choose. I choose HAPPINESS!
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
Thursday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, frittata and salad for lunch, 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter and small piece of steamed salmon for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner + a Boost chocolate bar (why?)
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: RUNNING WEEK 4 DAY 2 (C25k app)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day Ninety One: David Kirsch, can you please send some oompa loompas??
Dear David,
Right. Where the hell are they? Where are you oompa loompas? I have just eaten handful of yoghurt-coated raisins. I am still stuck in the f***ing office. I am writing a document and trying to cross-reference it with a policy statement and I am starting to get tired, emotional and a little frustrated. It is 20.24 and I am feeling a bit ‘murder, death, kill’.
I was not too bad today otherwise. I had shake for breakfast, egg whites for mid-morning snack, tuna and vegetables for lunch, wee can of tuna mid-afternoon and then f***ed it up by eating handful of the most disgusting raisins I have ever tasted.
I went for Week 4 Run 1 this morning. I am now doing the following;
Brisk five-minute warm-up walk and then:
- Jog 3 minutes
- Walk 90 seconds
- Jog 5 minutes
- Walk 2 ½ minutes
- Jog 3 minutes
- Walk 90 seconds
- Jog 5 minutes
- Cool down 5 minutes
I am doing the same again tomorrow morning. I have to admit I found it a little tough this morning at 6.30am. I got out early in case I was spotted again in my lyrca suit of shame.
Wore new dress from French Connection today and felt millions happier than I did yesterday..
Kikicee
Right. Where the hell are they? Where are you oompa loompas? I have just eaten handful of yoghurt-coated raisins. I am still stuck in the f***ing office. I am writing a document and trying to cross-reference it with a policy statement and I am starting to get tired, emotional and a little frustrated. It is 20.24 and I am feeling a bit ‘murder, death, kill’.
I was not too bad today otherwise. I had shake for breakfast, egg whites for mid-morning snack, tuna and vegetables for lunch, wee can of tuna mid-afternoon and then f***ed it up by eating handful of the most disgusting raisins I have ever tasted.
I went for Week 4 Run 1 this morning. I am now doing the following;
Brisk five-minute warm-up walk and then:
- Jog 3 minutes
- Walk 90 seconds
- Jog 5 minutes
- Walk 2 ½ minutes
- Jog 3 minutes
- Walk 90 seconds
- Jog 5 minutes
- Cool down 5 minutes
I am doing the same again tomorrow morning. I have to admit I found it a little tough this morning at 6.30am. I got out early in case I was spotted again in my lyrca suit of shame.
Wore new dress from French Connection today and felt millions happier than I did yesterday..
Kikicee
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day Eighty Five to Ninety: where are the oompa loompas when you need them?
Dear David,
Well I have been terribly remiss and have not updated this in rather a while. It was the Easter weekend and I had some gorging to do, it would seem.
Thursday was somewhat of a watershed in the tales of SUBO and, having given up on crush one and (married) crush two, I decided to follow Dear Deirdre’s sounds advice and finally make a foray into normalcy. The realm of normalcy holds not much interest for me and I usually take great pains to avoid it. However, it would seem that this is the only way that one can avoid dying alone so I thought it might be time to venture forth from Green Gables and behave like a normal, sensible adult.
I asked someone to go for a drink. I asked a nice, pleasant, normal man if he would like to go for a drink. I was subtlety knocked back as email was brutally ignored. It turns out nice, pleasant, normal man is not any of the above. However, I don’t appear to be bleeding, I have no lacerations, scars, broken limbs and I have not had a nervous breakdown. Was Dear Deirdre right after all?
Much as it pains me to admit, I think Dear Deirdre was indeed right.
It was not, therefore, this potentially crushing blow that sent me towards a weekend of grubbing it. It was, however, the smell of Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
I went to York with my parents this weekend to visit my sister and see her lovely new house. I started well. We had a lovely picnic on our arrival and I nibbled at lovely carbohydrate free delights. I had green tea when we stopped for a drink. This was somewhat unravelled at dinner when the sea bass fillet had run out and I went for a steak instead. A 9oz rump steak, thank you very much.
Having had the steak, I decided I would have a Margarita too. I drew a line under it and we tootled back to her house. It was then I discovered that my sister lives next door to the Nestle factory and that the whole house is enveloped in the smell of molten chocolate from the hours of about 10pm until 4am. Like Charlie Bucket, I think the mountains of chocolate that I ate in the subsequent two days were born from the desire to find a golden ticket and get inside the gate.
I did go running on Saturday and Sunday but unpicked my good work with 10 Booja Booja chocolates, the same again of Monk’s Chocolatier chocolates, lamb for dinner, half a bottle of red wine, a McDonalds, a mars bar and a wee pack of Pringles. A binge of epic proportions.
I started to emulate Augustus Gloop, rather than the more lithe Charlie. I imagined myself lying prostrate on the ground, scooping up chocolate like a demented, overweight child. If only I had been sucked up the chute and carried off by the Oompa Loompas.
We had a lovely time this weekend. We had picnic on Friday and then wandered into York and ate at the most lovely restaurant. On Saturday, I left sister, husband-to-be and parents to go to garden centre while I went shopping. On my return, scrubbed, heaved, planted and we all created a lovely little space out the back; verbena, begonia, hydrangea. We also rolled out all those classic family stories. You know the ones? The ones that never fail to amuse that you have been telling for years but they are as fresh as the first time you experienced or heard them.
We were chatting about ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ and my mother was reminded of my uncle having a girl in his class who was a traveller. She also had a bit of a body odour problem and the other children in the class were ostracizing her. He decided to write a note to send home. He informed her parents of her plight in the most tactful of ways. A reply came back which read;
‘Our Rose gets sent to school to get telt, no smelt. She’s no a fucking daffodil’
You cannot argue with that.
Another classic was my mother trying desperately, without much success, to teach superlatives to a Primary 5 class. ‘I’ll give you an example class, ‘hot, hotter, hottest’’. I’ll give you a word and you give me the comparative superlative and then the absolute superlative.’
My mother started with one boy and the word ‘wet’. My mother expected the answer of ‘wet, wetter, and wettest’.
‘Ryan, the word is wet. What is your answer?’
‘Well miss, wet, soakin', ringin'.'
Perfectly fine in Scottish slang and another answer that cannot be argued with!
Sister made lovely tuna dish on Saturday night and then the wickedness started with the 10 Booja Booja incident and it was all downhill from there. Sunday, we went for run number two and I started with great intentions but, by the time we had Easter Sunday dinner, my resolve had melted like a Cadbury’s Easter Egg in the sun. I had lamb and mixed green vegetables to start. I then had a sneaky glass of wine that fast became three and then ate chocolates, the weight of my head in cheese and crackers and threw caution to the chocolate-scented wind.
Sister informed me that it is good to challenge ones metabolism from time to time and she is perfectly right. However, I assaulted mine this weekend. I am bloated and feel quite disgusted with myself. But wait….there is that smell again. It’s the chocolate wafting from Wonka’s. Damn you, Nestle. Damn you.
What can one do when one falls off the wagon but get right back on?
I am staying near work this week as I have the most gruelling amount of work due for Thursday evening and have to stay in office late to get any of it finished. The bus ride is not conducive to maintaining this rhythm and I cannot face the commute when I have so much to do and so much to think about. I am staying in the most soulless hotel in the world. It has a swimming pool and the whole place smells of chlorine. It is supposed to be 4 star but I think I missed the small print where it stipulates that this is only the case in an alternate universe. Dreadful.
I went for a run this morning and was unfortunately spotted by Dear Deirdre in all my lycra glory. Most disappointing that it is not also my invisible suit, which I had hoped it would be when I spent lavish amounts of money on it. Shake this morning, mid morning snack of egg white omelette, chicken and green veg for lunch and small portion of grilled chicken for late afternoon snack. Rounding off this evening with a shake in the chlorine perfumed room and, ever hopeful, that the smell of bleach, as opposed to molten chocolate, will make me as determined as I was before.
I look terrible today into the bargain. I purchased a raspberry coloured shirt from Whistles and it’s lovely but it’s too tight at chest. I feel rather trampy and I might actually go to hotel, get changed and come back here so I feel more comfortable.
It’s now 17.20 and I will be here for some time.
Kikicee
Kikicee
Well I have been terribly remiss and have not updated this in rather a while. It was the Easter weekend and I had some gorging to do, it would seem.
Thursday was somewhat of a watershed in the tales of SUBO and, having given up on crush one and (married) crush two, I decided to follow Dear Deirdre’s sounds advice and finally make a foray into normalcy. The realm of normalcy holds not much interest for me and I usually take great pains to avoid it. However, it would seem that this is the only way that one can avoid dying alone so I thought it might be time to venture forth from Green Gables and behave like a normal, sensible adult.
I asked someone to go for a drink. I asked a nice, pleasant, normal man if he would like to go for a drink. I was subtlety knocked back as email was brutally ignored. It turns out nice, pleasant, normal man is not any of the above. However, I don’t appear to be bleeding, I have no lacerations, scars, broken limbs and I have not had a nervous breakdown. Was Dear Deirdre right after all?
Much as it pains me to admit, I think Dear Deirdre was indeed right.
It was not, therefore, this potentially crushing blow that sent me towards a weekend of grubbing it. It was, however, the smell of Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
I went to York with my parents this weekend to visit my sister and see her lovely new house. I started well. We had a lovely picnic on our arrival and I nibbled at lovely carbohydrate free delights. I had green tea when we stopped for a drink. This was somewhat unravelled at dinner when the sea bass fillet had run out and I went for a steak instead. A 9oz rump steak, thank you very much.
Having had the steak, I decided I would have a Margarita too. I drew a line under it and we tootled back to her house. It was then I discovered that my sister lives next door to the Nestle factory and that the whole house is enveloped in the smell of molten chocolate from the hours of about 10pm until 4am. Like Charlie Bucket, I think the mountains of chocolate that I ate in the subsequent two days were born from the desire to find a golden ticket and get inside the gate.
I did go running on Saturday and Sunday but unpicked my good work with 10 Booja Booja chocolates, the same again of Monk’s Chocolatier chocolates, lamb for dinner, half a bottle of red wine, a McDonalds, a mars bar and a wee pack of Pringles. A binge of epic proportions.
I started to emulate Augustus Gloop, rather than the more lithe Charlie. I imagined myself lying prostrate on the ground, scooping up chocolate like a demented, overweight child. If only I had been sucked up the chute and carried off by the Oompa Loompas.
We had a lovely time this weekend. We had picnic on Friday and then wandered into York and ate at the most lovely restaurant. On Saturday, I left sister, husband-to-be and parents to go to garden centre while I went shopping. On my return, scrubbed, heaved, planted and we all created a lovely little space out the back; verbena, begonia, hydrangea. We also rolled out all those classic family stories. You know the ones? The ones that never fail to amuse that you have been telling for years but they are as fresh as the first time you experienced or heard them.
We were chatting about ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ and my mother was reminded of my uncle having a girl in his class who was a traveller. She also had a bit of a body odour problem and the other children in the class were ostracizing her. He decided to write a note to send home. He informed her parents of her plight in the most tactful of ways. A reply came back which read;
‘Our Rose gets sent to school to get telt, no smelt. She’s no a fucking daffodil’
You cannot argue with that.
Another classic was my mother trying desperately, without much success, to teach superlatives to a Primary 5 class. ‘I’ll give you an example class, ‘hot, hotter, hottest’’. I’ll give you a word and you give me the comparative superlative and then the absolute superlative.’
My mother started with one boy and the word ‘wet’. My mother expected the answer of ‘wet, wetter, and wettest’.
‘Ryan, the word is wet. What is your answer?’
‘Well miss, wet, soakin', ringin'.'
Perfectly fine in Scottish slang and another answer that cannot be argued with!
Sister made lovely tuna dish on Saturday night and then the wickedness started with the 10 Booja Booja incident and it was all downhill from there. Sunday, we went for run number two and I started with great intentions but, by the time we had Easter Sunday dinner, my resolve had melted like a Cadbury’s Easter Egg in the sun. I had lamb and mixed green vegetables to start. I then had a sneaky glass of wine that fast became three and then ate chocolates, the weight of my head in cheese and crackers and threw caution to the chocolate-scented wind.
Sister informed me that it is good to challenge ones metabolism from time to time and she is perfectly right. However, I assaulted mine this weekend. I am bloated and feel quite disgusted with myself. But wait….there is that smell again. It’s the chocolate wafting from Wonka’s. Damn you, Nestle. Damn you.
What can one do when one falls off the wagon but get right back on?
I am staying near work this week as I have the most gruelling amount of work due for Thursday evening and have to stay in office late to get any of it finished. The bus ride is not conducive to maintaining this rhythm and I cannot face the commute when I have so much to do and so much to think about. I am staying in the most soulless hotel in the world. It has a swimming pool and the whole place smells of chlorine. It is supposed to be 4 star but I think I missed the small print where it stipulates that this is only the case in an alternate universe. Dreadful.
I went for a run this morning and was unfortunately spotted by Dear Deirdre in all my lycra glory. Most disappointing that it is not also my invisible suit, which I had hoped it would be when I spent lavish amounts of money on it. Shake this morning, mid morning snack of egg white omelette, chicken and green veg for lunch and small portion of grilled chicken for late afternoon snack. Rounding off this evening with a shake in the chlorine perfumed room and, ever hopeful, that the smell of bleach, as opposed to molten chocolate, will make me as determined as I was before.
I look terrible today into the bargain. I purchased a raspberry coloured shirt from Whistles and it’s lovely but it’s too tight at chest. I feel rather trampy and I might actually go to hotel, get changed and come back here so I feel more comfortable.
It’s now 17.20 and I will be here for some time.
Kikicee
Kikicee
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Day Eighty Five: ENOUGH!
Dear David,
ENOUGH!
No more navel contemplation. I may well die alone but I'll be in a fecking tiny coffin!
I was a little bad today and ate 5 chocolates lovingly handcrafted by the Jag. The sun was out. I had a half day. I met with one of my colleagues to help him work on a business proposition and then headed into Glasgow. I got there about 4pm and went to meeting at the bank. I then went and had a bit of a shop and headed home. Half an hour before I am usually home and I felt that I had cheated the space time continium. Wonderful. Wrapped gifts I had got for a friend of mine who is going travelling and some little things for my sister for Easter.
Forgot my bloody trainers again and I really have not done any exercise this week. Going running as often as I can over the long weekend as I don't think I'll be able to squeeze it in tomorrow. I have soooooo much to do tomorrow - getting sick of being so busy, all the time. It's very draining and I am not at my most patient.
Lovely Gabsta send me the invite to little baby Oscar's christening today - delighted. Heading off in May to Parma to see the Gatti family and I cannot wait. Non vedo l'ora!
Off to try your fitness DVD, David. Mabel's hire has expired and she has gone back to the big gym in the sky. Well, that would be Airdrie actually. This now means that I have space in my teeniest sister's room to get moving and shaking with the weights, the big ball and the medicine ball. Hmmm...this could go well or really rather badly!
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, steamed salmon and salad for lunch, 2 5 chocolates made by the Jag, late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: NONE (forgot my running trainers)
ENOUGH!
No more navel contemplation. I may well die alone but I'll be in a fecking tiny coffin!
I was a little bad today and ate 5 chocolates lovingly handcrafted by the Jag. The sun was out. I had a half day. I met with one of my colleagues to help him work on a business proposition and then headed into Glasgow. I got there about 4pm and went to meeting at the bank. I then went and had a bit of a shop and headed home. Half an hour before I am usually home and I felt that I had cheated the space time continium. Wonderful. Wrapped gifts I had got for a friend of mine who is going travelling and some little things for my sister for Easter.
Forgot my bloody trainers again and I really have not done any exercise this week. Going running as often as I can over the long weekend as I don't think I'll be able to squeeze it in tomorrow. I have soooooo much to do tomorrow - getting sick of being so busy, all the time. It's very draining and I am not at my most patient.
Lovely Gabsta send me the invite to little baby Oscar's christening today - delighted. Heading off in May to Parma to see the Gatti family and I cannot wait. Non vedo l'ora!
Off to try your fitness DVD, David. Mabel's hire has expired and she has gone back to the big gym in the sky. Well, that would be Airdrie actually. This now means that I have space in my teeniest sister's room to get moving and shaking with the weights, the big ball and the medicine ball. Hmmm...this could go well or really rather badly!
Kikicee
Wednesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, steamed salmon and salad for lunch, 2 5 chocolates made by the Jag, late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: NONE (forgot my running trainers)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Day Eighty Four: Destruction and Hope
Dear David,
What a day! Dear Deirdre had some stuff to do in the office so turned up today as a lovely, unexpected surprise. I thought I would be alone in the pod today. I forgot running trainers as was in rush this morning, I had the usual shitty meetings and felt rather overworked.
Unfortunately, I was indeed in sabotage mode and asked one of colleagues (who I know is not to be trusted) if one of crushes was single. This means that this will be round the place like wildfire, man will be scared off and epic fail result has been achieved. Dear Deirdre could have kicked me, much harder even than I could have kicked myself. He was so annoyed with me. I tried to beg with other colleague to say nothing but I fear the damage is done. Dear Deirdre suggested that we add another box outside and to the left of the SUBO zone to indicate just how shit I was as this kind of stuff. He says he has never seen anything quite like it. I should basically resign now because the uncomfortableness will be EPIC.
I have not always been like this. I thought long and hard about it on the way home. This all started post tumour and post putting on so much weight while sick. I don't think I have ever appreciated how much it has affected my very fragile self esteem, my confidence and my ability to relate to people. I met a couple of guys after I was sick and my friends were horrified by them. I set my sights very low, thinking I was broken and worth nothing. The resulting relationships were horrific. I got dreadfully hurt and it was my own fault. After a few times of getting kicked, or rather letting yourself get kicked, you start to develop a defence mechanism.
The physical and pyschological damage that my tumour caused has taken a long time to heal. The damage to my self image and self esteem is still on the mend. One of the title's of your books, David, resonates with me. Sound Body, Sound Mind. Christopher Reeve said it perfectly, 'I am not my body'. I am, however, my mind. I don't really know how to fix it. Fixing the weight is only part of it, it would seem. I am astounded that I am cognizant of what I am doing but don't feel in control. Why have I such a low opinion of myself? Why do I continue with patterns of behaviour that only serve to damage me?
I cannot have self esteem that is indexed linked to my weight. I am a woman. My weight will fluctate through my life's stages. Should I expect my core to be shaken every time I gain or lose a stone? Still frightened of myself, it would seem. I have written out the quote below and put it in my handbag. Who am I not to be?
I went to a concert this evening in Motherwell Cathedral. It was John Rutter's Requiem and the choir sang at the back, the church was in darkness and the congregation looked on to a silent screening of King of Kings by Cecil B DeMilne and Jesus of Nazareth by Franco Zeffirelli. It was spectacular. There was to be no clapping and we had just to leave in silence when it was finished. I sat in the half light, eyes light up with the powerful imagery and music washing over me and I felt a moment of perfect peace. I felt warm tears on my face, I forgave myself and told myself that I would find the strength to fix the last little pieces of the jigsaw into place.
I start tomorrow with hope.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, steamed salmon and salad for lunch, 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter and small piece of steamed salmon for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: NONE (forgot my running trainers)
What a day! Dear Deirdre had some stuff to do in the office so turned up today as a lovely, unexpected surprise. I thought I would be alone in the pod today. I forgot running trainers as was in rush this morning, I had the usual shitty meetings and felt rather overworked.
Unfortunately, I was indeed in sabotage mode and asked one of colleagues (who I know is not to be trusted) if one of crushes was single. This means that this will be round the place like wildfire, man will be scared off and epic fail result has been achieved. Dear Deirdre could have kicked me, much harder even than I could have kicked myself. He was so annoyed with me. I tried to beg with other colleague to say nothing but I fear the damage is done. Dear Deirdre suggested that we add another box outside and to the left of the SUBO zone to indicate just how shit I was as this kind of stuff. He says he has never seen anything quite like it. I should basically resign now because the uncomfortableness will be EPIC.
I have not always been like this. I thought long and hard about it on the way home. This all started post tumour and post putting on so much weight while sick. I don't think I have ever appreciated how much it has affected my very fragile self esteem, my confidence and my ability to relate to people. I met a couple of guys after I was sick and my friends were horrified by them. I set my sights very low, thinking I was broken and worth nothing. The resulting relationships were horrific. I got dreadfully hurt and it was my own fault. After a few times of getting kicked, or rather letting yourself get kicked, you start to develop a defence mechanism.
The physical and pyschological damage that my tumour caused has taken a long time to heal. The damage to my self image and self esteem is still on the mend. One of the title's of your books, David, resonates with me. Sound Body, Sound Mind. Christopher Reeve said it perfectly, 'I am not my body'. I am, however, my mind. I don't really know how to fix it. Fixing the weight is only part of it, it would seem. I am astounded that I am cognizant of what I am doing but don't feel in control. Why have I such a low opinion of myself? Why do I continue with patterns of behaviour that only serve to damage me?
I cannot have self esteem that is indexed linked to my weight. I am a woman. My weight will fluctate through my life's stages. Should I expect my core to be shaken every time I gain or lose a stone? Still frightened of myself, it would seem. I have written out the quote below and put it in my handbag. Who am I not to be?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I start tomorrow with hope.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, steamed salmon and salad for lunch, 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter and small piece of steamed salmon for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: NONE (forgot my running trainers)
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