What a day! Dear Deirdre had some stuff to do in the office so turned up today as a lovely, unexpected surprise. I thought I would be alone in the pod today. I forgot running trainers as was in rush this morning, I had the usual shitty meetings and felt rather overworked.
Unfortunately, I was indeed in sabotage mode and asked one of colleagues (who I know is not to be trusted) if one of crushes was single. This means that this will be round the place like wildfire, man will be scared off and epic fail result has been achieved. Dear Deirdre could have kicked me, much harder even than I could have kicked myself. He was so annoyed with me. I tried to beg with other colleague to say nothing but I fear the damage is done. Dear Deirdre suggested that we add another box outside and to the left of the SUBO zone to indicate just how shit I was as this kind of stuff. He says he has never seen anything quite like it. I should basically resign now because the uncomfortableness will be EPIC.
I have not always been like this. I thought long and hard about it on the way home. This all started post tumour and post putting on so much weight while sick. I don't think I have ever appreciated how much it has affected my very fragile self esteem, my confidence and my ability to relate to people. I met a couple of guys after I was sick and my friends were horrified by them. I set my sights very low, thinking I was broken and worth nothing. The resulting relationships were horrific. I got dreadfully hurt and it was my own fault. After a few times of getting kicked, or rather letting yourself get kicked, you start to develop a defence mechanism.
The physical and pyschological damage that my tumour caused has taken a long time to heal. The damage to my self image and self esteem is still on the mend. One of the title's of your books, David, resonates with me. Sound Body, Sound Mind. Christopher Reeve said it perfectly, 'I am not my body'. I am, however, my mind. I don't really know how to fix it. Fixing the weight is only part of it, it would seem. I am astounded that I am cognizant of what I am doing but don't feel in control. Why have I such a low opinion of myself? Why do I continue with patterns of behaviour that only serve to damage me?
I cannot have self esteem that is indexed linked to my weight. I am a woman. My weight will fluctate through my life's stages. Should I expect my core to be shaken every time I gain or lose a stone? Still frightened of myself, it would seem. I have written out the quote below and put it in my handbag. Who am I not to be?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I start tomorrow with hope.
Kikicee
Tuesday
Food: protein shake (Vanilla), egg white omelette mid-morning, steamed salmon and salad for lunch, 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter and small piece of steamed salmon for late-afternoon snack, protein shake (Vanilla) for dinner
Supplements: Thermobubbles, Vitamin Superjuice (Raspberry), Flush and Cleanse, Hoodia
Exercise: NONE (forgot my running trainers)
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